Tag: Autism Spectrum

Jiu Jitsu and Apergers Part 3 – Social Frustrations

2 Comments

It has been quite a while since I have shared anything in relation to my Aspergers. The transparency is sometimes difficult since I’m constantly having to double and triple check that I am staying within socially acceptable boundaries of communication. I have been having some difficulties in the past year that I am going to just expand upon. If anyone has any feedback that may help, please share!

Before we dive into current issues, here is a quick summary of Aspergers. For more detailed background information on my specific style of Aspie-ness, I have included links to my earlier articles at the bottom of this one.

Aspergers is a neurobiological disorder in the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum. It is typically diagnosed in childhood but I was diagnosed as an adult. I’m just going to take a quote from the Autism Spectrum Education Network webpage since they cover it pretty well!

Individuals with AS and related disorders exhibit serious deficiencies in social and communication skills. Their IQ’s are typically in the normal to very superior range. They are usually educated in the mainstream, but most require special education services. Because of their naivete, those with AS are often viewed by their peers as “odd” and are frequently a target for bullying and teasing.

They desire to fit in socially and have friends, but have a great deal of difficulty making effective social connections. Many of them are at risk for developing mood disorders, such as anxiety or depression, especially in adolescence. Diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorders should be made by a medical expert to rule out other possible diagnoses and to discuss interventions.

In the past couple years of immersing myself more into the Jiu Jitsu community, I have started to develop some good acquaintances into actual friendships – a HUGE milestone for me. The difference between the two is that an acquaintance is someone I am friendly with. A friend is someone who I can trust that I don’t have to project a perfect self at all times around – without fear that a slip up will taint the relationship. I enjoy being around both groups and there may not be any noticeable difference in my behavior from an outside perspective.

My biggest fear is that I will do or say something stupid, hurt someone, not be able to read the normal social cues, and therefore continue on like nothing is wrong. In other words, I’m not a jerk, I’m not insensitive – I just honestly don’t know something is wrong. If I know something I did caused tension it is devastating to me. As much as I have spent my entire life trying to tune in to what is going on, I miss so much of what people are thinking or feeling.

Yes, this post was triggered by a specific event that occurred recently. I thought I was doing so well and now I find I’m still stuck in the cycle. The difference between now and childhood is that kids are more likely to tell you up front if you are acting like a freak.

So what now?

Most of my blog posts are written in one draft because I’m just typing what I am thinking. Even if I am not able to figure out a solution to a problem, just writing it out helps immensely with organizing my thoughts so I can think clearly again. So where does that leave me?

Still working on it.

I have definitely considered seeing a psychologist with experience in delayed diagnosis Aspergers/Autism but that would require trusting someone else with what goes on in my mind on a much deeper level than I ever have, and I’m really not up to that.

I think I am going to start sharing more of the details of my diagnosis with more of my team mates and friends. If they are more aware of my difficulties, maybe it could keep dialogue open so they can verbally let me know when I’m starting to cross boundary lines before I become a complete annoyance that no one wants to be around.

I am definitely open to questions if anyone has any. I’d rather be asked than misconstrued!

More articles in Aspergers series:

Part 1 – My Aspergers

Part 2 – It Fits

Addendum – A Mother’s Perspective

I close with this video for your amusement and education. The character of Sheldon from the TV show “The Big Bang Theory” has been described as having Aspergers and I definitely relate. Note the inappropriate attempt at teasing, followed by the heartfelt explanation. I feel like I live in a world where everyone knows how to read minds except for me.

A Mothers Perspective on Aspergers

1 Comment

After reading my posts about My Aspergers, my mother wrote me an email response giving her perspective. It’s not really Jiu Jitsu related, but this is my blog and I can upload whatever I like here! Ha!

An Open Letter From My Mother

Looking back over 28 years, now knowing that you have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, a lot of things now fit into place.  As a parent, you guilt yourself with questions like “how could I have not known” and “how could I have let my child down”; “how could I not notice their suffering”?  Back in those days, however, even though I was interested in different psychology issues and read a lot on the subject, including autism, it never even once occurred to me that there was something “wrong” with you in that regard.  You were our wonderful firstborn beautiful baby and you were perfect.

 Probably the first thing that stands out in my mind as something different from the norm was when you were about three years old.  We were at one of the Stoller Family Reunions at Lake Billy Chinook.  These annual gatherings had many, many children, since there was a big batch of “cousins” who all had children around the same time.  You wanted nothing to do with playing with the other children.  You preferred to go from adult to adult and talk one-on-one with them.  You especially loved spending time with your Uncle Don Sadler and would talk on a variety of subjects on a level much older than your years.  I also remember when you were four years old and in preschool that when I would take my time working in the co-op preschool, about 3 days a month, you never left my side.  I assumed that once you got used to the program you would gradually begin to play with the other kids, but that rarely happened.  Even after two years at the preschool you still would clamp to my side whenever I was working there.  When I wasn’t there, the teacher said you preferred to sit and read in the book corner or sometimes play by yourself.  We just thought that you were shy.  Since your brother was just behind you in age, I was a typical busy mom and didn’t really notice anything unusual.  We always considered you to be our beautiful, talented, extremely brilliant, somewhat quirky (in an affectionate way) and precious daughter.

 You excelled in school academics, but had trouble making friends.  By first and second grade you had a plethora of somatic illnesses that did concern me, as they did correspond to the school days; headaches, stomachaches, extreme bloody noses that were difficult to stop, to say the least.  You looked anemic very often.  Several times I took you to the doctor for blood work and a check-up.  After repeated tests and exams that were negative, they told me that they felt it was due to stress.  We did not know the reason for the stress, but since it related to school, we made the decision to homeschool.  I will say that we saw a reduction in those symptoms after that, although I get some criticism from both friends and family members who said I needed to “force you to learn to get along with other children”.  It was interesting to me that some of this advice came from people who HAD no children at that time!  You spent most of your time, when not schooling, in your bedroom reading, listening to music and/or involving yourself with your “critters”.  There was a wide variety, from frogs and lizards that you caught and fed crickets to, cats, dogs, gerbils, hamsters, your precious bunny, Oreo, guinea pigs, and chinchillas.  Chinchillas were your passion for several years.  You bred and sold them and they were a big part of your life.  Sunny, your first chinnie, was your special little buddy for some time.

 Interestingly, although you always had a fairly large “personal space bubble”, even as a teenager you would sit with me in church and spend most of the time leaning up against me.  Your lack of friends was always a concern and you never really bonded with your peers, but rather your animals were your best friends.  I think the other kids looked upon you as an oddity and they didn’t know what to do with you.  When they got a little older and more tolerant and tried to make friendly overtures to you, you would not accept them and would withdraw.

 Understand, that at this time no red flags went off.  Yes, you stayed in your room a lot with books, but so did I when I was a teenager.  Your dad also didn’t have a lot of friends growing up–he was too busy–so neither of us thought that this behavior was anything other than a personality trait.  It was concerning that you had a hard time balancing interests, although it is something that was less obvious when you were very young and is more prominent now.  When you took up martial arts, you would practice the form every day for hours.  You were very focused….but, your dad also had that trait, so we didn’t really think much of it at the time.  What became interesting and concerning to me as you grew older was that I noticed more that you focused on only one thing at a time and put all your time and energy into it.  When it was the chinchillas, you knew everything about them.  When it was the martial arts, you went at it full steam.  Then it was Bible college and music.  You had never taken piano lessons until college, but now you can play awesomely.  You also took voice lessons.  During your music phase you played, composed, sang, recorded and had lots of wonderful memories.  It is sad to me that as you moved through each of these phases, you would end one when you started another.  I was worried that you couldn’t find balance in your life and that still is something I know you work on.  It is sad to know that you once spent 3-4 (or more) hours a day practicing piano and now you rarely play and want to sell (or have already sold) your keyboard.  You left chinchillas behind you long ago.  As a parent, I would have liked to see you continue with the things that gave you so much pleasure, but in more balanced doses, but that may be something that takes a lifetime for you to do.

 Of course, now you have BJJ and just like your other interests, you give this one 150% of your time, focus and energy.  It shows, of course, in how well you have done and how you have progressed.  This worries me, of course, because I don’t want you to get hurt, especially with the line of work you are in, but you are an adult and I have to trust you to know your own limits and take care of yourself.

 Looking back, now, I sure wish we had known them what we know now about Aspergers.  I feel guilty that I couldn’t give you the tools you needed to help you cope better during that time.  Do I wish you didn’t HAVE Aspergers?  That is a trick question—of course every parent wants their children to not have to suffer or go through difficult times.  We want to make it all better.  However, I realize that this is who you are.  If you didn’t have this disorder, you would not be YOU.  Of course we would love you, but you would be a different person and I can’t imagine you as anyone other than Nicholle, yourself.

 Most of all, I am happy that you finally got peace with this diagnosis because then the world started making sense to you and things became clear.  I’m sure it still is a challenge, but you know and understand the WHY that is your thought and sensory processes, and that clarity helps bring order to chaos.

In Closing:

Thank you Mom for sharing! It means a lot to me, and just maybe it will help someone else as well!

Jiu Jitsu and Aspergers pt 2 – It Fits

13 Comments

Wow!

I really wasn’t expecting such a huge response from part 1! I thought a few of my friends might read it and find it interesting. Let’s just say the last week has been a bit overwhelming. Thank you everyone!

My parents read it as well, and I guess I just took for granted that they should understand me. My Mom said she wished I had written that out years ago for them and she is currently composing an article on what it was like raising an undiagnosed spectrum child. I’m quite interested to learn her perspective!

All right, that said, on to part 2. If you haven’t already, check out part 1.

Human Contact

My biggest challenge when starting Jiu Jitsu, was my sensitivity to human contact. I don’t really even know why, but I’ve always been very aware of my personal “bubble” and would cringe and flinch away if someone else initiated contact. It’s weird I know. I love hugs, but have to be the one initiating them. I don’t know how to describe it other than it mentally hurts me and almost feels physically painful if someone else initiates contact.

Somehow, Jiu Jitsu has actually helped to reduce this sensitivity and I think it is the fact that BJJ gives me a flow chart of movements to follow. I’ve learned that for every action my opponent makes, I have at least two options that I can respond with. I don’t have to freak out because I know the appropriate response in a format that I understand.

This has helped me relax a lot with human contact even outside of the gym. I still have my off days but, for the most part, I don’t tend to jump when someone decides to spontaneously hug me.

Social Skills

This is another biggie. I’m blessed to have lived in Nashville for going on seven years now and have been surrounded by amazing people who love me. I make a social “boo boo” and they usually just shrug and say “well, that’s just Nicholle” and move on. (Shout out to my amazing friends!)

Still, I have never felt like I was able to really meld myself into a social group. I mentally knew I was included and accepted, but never really could fit. Believe me, that has been the source of many tears over the years!

The combination of my conversational deficits and inability to read (or speak) non-verbal language, partnered with my one track mind really doesn’t make for a good party conversationalist. I have to choose between not speaking at all (appearing shy); or letting my one track, non-graceful thought train loose on the world (appearing arrogant or stuck-up). Given the choice, I prefer the first option. I’m not shy, but must appear so in order to keep my slip ups to a minimum.

Enter Jiu Jitsu!

When I got into Jiu Jitsu, I found myself surrounded by a community of people who didn’t find it odd that I wanted to talk about “bio-mechanics behind the proper placement of feet for the most energy efficient results when doing a tripod sweep”. In the past, I would discover an amazing concept, share it with someone, and be met with just a blank stare. Now, I am greeted with enthusiasm, and usually an exchange of even more cool information!

Oh wow! So this is what a real conversation is like! It is a lot easier when I am surrounded by people who are just as obsessed as I am. It makes me feel normal and accepted.

This helps me out immensely because I get to practice having actual real conversations with people! Since I started training, I have been getting better at holding conversations outside of the gym as well. Practice makes perfect!

No luck improving my non-verbal communication skills so far and I’m kind of giving up on the whole idea. Instead, I have started letting people know when I meet them that I take things literally and at face value. This foreknowledge helps to clear up misunderstandings much more easily.

Sensory Overload

Big competitions are interesting. I find the best thing I can do to keep from being overstimulated is to work at the competitions. If I have something to focus on, I am able to block out all the excess sensory input. I particularly enjoy working as a Ring Coordinator for IBJJF competitions. I love to set things in order and that job requires a huge amount of organization skills to make everything run perfectly. Good fit no?

If I’m at a tournament and am not working, I will be cheering on a team mate (or anyone I know). Without an “assignment” I’m usually wandering around like a lost puppy trying to find some task to do. It’s impossible for me to relax in such a busy environment, so I opt for distraction. Headphones and a book is my favorite combination.

Patterns!!!

About a week after 2013 Worlds, right before I got my blue belt, I had one of those “ah ha!” moments. Suddenly, I saw the moves I had been learning and practicing for the previous year in a whole new light.

Everything has a pattern. I remember arguing with my Dad that there is no possible way that a computer program can do something randomly – there is always a formula that the computer uses (aka: a pattern), and that formula is concrete, so it can’t produce something that is random.

Rabbit trail aside: I’ve started to see the pattern of Jiu Jitsu. I don’t understand it all yet, but I can see it when I roll and little bits and pieces are coming together. This really excites me!

The Journey

I started Jiu Jitsu because I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted a physical activity with a goal in mind – but I’ve always been horrible at sports. In P.E. I was always the last kid picked, even after kids half my size. I had enjoyed TKD as a child however and decided I would go the martial arts route. So glad I did!!!

My coach, Shawn Hammonds, is amazing! I have never had a coach or a team before, and that is really what initially got me hooked and kept me coming back. They challenge me in a way that I have never experienced before, and I like it. I’d always craved someone to push me just a little bit harder, instead of being satisfied with what I had already done. I don’t think that’s a trait of Aspergers – maybe there is more to my personality than just that eh?

One of my favorite things, is that I’m allowed to have a bad day around my team. I can totally break down, freak out… whatever. They just shrug and it’s back to normal the next day. I don’t have to stress over being perfect and always on guard like I used to always be – except for when sitting on the side of the mat after class… you never know when someone is going to randomly jump on your back while you’re just chilling!

Less than a year into training, I expanded my team and added Raijin Fight Wear to my corner. It was a chance meeting on Twitter for which I am so thankful! I was amazed that a company would want to sponsor me, as a white belt, before I had even competed internationally! We exchanged messages and they told me that they loved my enthusiasm and would love to have me representing them. They have been cheered me on and encouraged me all through 2013 and then signed me on again for 2014. They are a quality company that matches my “strive for excellence” personality well and I plan to represent them all the way to the black belt podium and beyond!

My team has gone through a lot of transition in the last year. I may write some about it later, but that would be a monster of a rabbit trail right now…

What Now?

I’ve decided that there is just too much to say about this topic to fit it into one or two posts – so I’m going to make it a series that I’ll add to a little bit every Saturday. The rest of the week I’ll be doing my regular updates and random ramblings. If anyone has any questions about anything I talk about, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I can’t guarantee that I’ll know the answer, but I will do my best to find one!

Jiu Jitsu and Aspergers pt 1 – My Aspergers

25 Comments

This is a post I’ve had in my brain for quite a while, debating on if I should share, and decided to just go for it. Hopefully it ends up making sense! In this first post, I’m just gonna go over what my Aspergers is like. In my next post, I will be explaining how this affects my Jiu Jitsu, and how BJJ has helped me.

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Aspergers is an Autism Spectrum Disorder – I’ve heard some people describe it as “high functioning Autism”

So what does that mean for me? Well, each person is a unique case, so I’ll run the risk of megalomania, and just tell you about me.

Sensory Processing

First off, I’m hypersensitive to sensory input. I adore music, but can’t handle most concerts because of the combination of light, sound, movement, etc just puts me into overdrive and I end up going “space cadet” – I don’t really know how to describe it other than that, I just shut down to barely functional levels. It was really bad once and I had to be led out of a building in a semi-catatonic state – Scared a friend of mine pretty badly!

Stimming

Now I do have a way around this. It’s called Sterotypy, or “stimming”. When I was a kid, I would get stressed and start very slightly rocking my upper body in a circular motion. My Mom thought it was because I was dizzy (and even took me to a doctor for vertigo) – sorry Mom, I just didn’t know how to explain it at the time. I wasn’t dizzy; it just made me feel better to do it. The repetitive motion seemed to numb me enough that I could keep myself together – I felt like I would fly apart at the seams otherwise.

As I have gotten older, I have learned how to stim without it being so noticable. I can put my hand in a pocket and flip a coin, touch my thumb and fingers together, etc. Usually I’ll get a far away look on my face, and people assume I’m thinking deep thoughts. I’m not – my mind is actually blank at that point.

Patterns

I absolutely ADORE patterns. Once I find the pattern in something, I quickly excel at it. I love playing classical piano, and can sit there for hours just lost in Mozart and Beethoven. I also love drawing (see some of my artwork here), and organizing things.

Yes, I do have that compusion to organize things. My closet is a perfect rainbow of color, and my books are divided by category and then alphabetized by author last name. Oddly enough, there are some things I obsess over organizing, and other things that I couldn’t care less about – not sure what that’s all about…

Obsessions

I always have one thing – maybe two – that I am interested in. Always. And I learn everything about it. I’ve been obsessed with bugs, with mud, with animals… I raised chinchillas for several years. As a 12 year old child, I could sit down and show you detailed genetic information about each chinchilla and their possible offspring.

Whatever I’m focused on, it gets 150% of my attention – neglecting everything else. It’s all I can think about and talk about. I have gotten much better about trying to spread out my conversation topics – since not everyone wants a 45 minute monologue about anything, much less the newest particle physics discovery. Also, I make sure I pause every 10-15 seconds while talking to allow the other person to respond. Practice has made this work a lot more smoothly for me – but sometimes when I get excited I just keep talking. I don’t take offense to someone telling me to shut up for a min – so if I ever do this, just stick a hand up and call for a break.

Social Cues

Here’s where I stumble the most. I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to social cues. Reading facial expressions, vocal tone, body language… it’s a nightmare of misunderstandings for me. I’m sure I’ll get it some day, but I have to rely on what people say, since if I try to read non-verbal language cues, I usually make gross errors.

On the other side of that coin, I don’t know how to use proper facial expressions/etc. I have gotten a bit better, but as a child I was typically stone-faced and “unreadable” to most everyone. Even now, I watch my videos and I feel something is “off” but i don’t know what it is. I still have problems with eye contact as well – I fake it most of the time.

Social Flow Charts

Believe it or not, my brain operates a lot like this. I have very complex social flow charts in my head that script most of my social interactions. This doesn’t mean that what I say isn’t sincere! I just can’t figure out on the fly out to correctly say what I intend.

And yes, when I lose my filter, Sheldon = Me.

MORE Social Stuff

Right now what I’m focusing on is trying to have actual conversations with people. The normal conversation goes back and forth, as the topics change and meander around. This problem, for me, goes back to my script. If someone brings up something that I don’t know an appropriate response to, I panic. This usually then results in either me blurting out something completely ridiculous (mental short circuit), or trying to re-direct the topic back to familiar territory.

I’m starting to get the hang of asking questions instead of just diving off the conversation ship. The problem with questions, is that it takes me off script and that is where I tend to make more social mistakes (and trust me, some of them have been horrendous!) Thankfully, I am currently surrounded by people who, for the most part, shrug off my mistakes and just move on. So in that safety, I am slowly growing and learning!

Frustration

All of this put together made for a very frustrated individual. I thought I was an idiot for not being able to fit in and be part of the group like everyone else. I may not have known how to express emotions properly, but I still felt them. I felt trapped inside my body and just didn’t know how to get out, or ask for help.

I’ve adapted quite a bit  in the last several years. People who know me as an adult are usually quite surprised when they learn I have Aspergers. Those who knew me as a child tend to nod and say “well that makes a lot of sense…”

If there were a cure, I wouldn’t want it. I love how my brain works. Sure, I can be a bull in a china shop at times where social graces are concerned – but I have learned to cover fairly well in the last several years. Jiu Jitsu is one of the things that has really helped me a lot in that regards, and I will expound on that in part two of this post.

Click Here for Part 2!