Rolling with Kryptonite

IMG_0675.JPGEveryone has them. Those team mates or opponents who seem to be your anti-Jiu Jitsu. The ones whose strengths perfectly match the weak points in your game.

They are frustrating, annoying, and my favorite people to train with.

While I may feel like nothing is being accomplished, and everything I’m trying to do is being shut down, it’s helping me learn much more quickly than if I were just breezing through a roll!

Having my normal tricks being shut down forces me to think creatively, step outside my box, and broaden my horizons. It teaches me patience, and keeps me from getting too big of an ego (girls have ego too!)

It’s for sure a frustrating thing and I’m writing this after spending an hour rolling nonstop with one of my krypton it’s team mates. I caught myself getting frustrated several times for not being able to stop the same sweep several times in a row. It required me to pause for a moment, breathe, and figure out what I was doing to give up the sweep, and adjust accordingly. Oh, and then get swept in a different direction. Ha!

The fast track isn’t easy. It’s hard on your body and may threaten to crush your spirit. The question is, will you accept the grind? Will you take the heat? If you persevere and don’t give in to frustration you will come out strong and awesome.

Now I’m gonna go home and watch Netflix with a fresh batch of henna in my hair!

New Perspective Yields New Results

I competed last weekend at the IBJJF Atlanta Open. This was my first time competing there as a blue belt, and it felt rather nostalgic as it was also my first IBJJF competition as a white belt. I told my coach that I had decided it was time for me to bring home my first double gold. I have brought home gold and bronze, but I felt like I was due for an upgrade.

It was a VERY long day! We met at the gym at 2:00 am in order to drive down. I didn’t sleep at all because I was having a terrible time with weight issues (female problems. Nuff said.) and was at the gym all night trying to drop the last two pounds. I jumped on the rowing machine, with multiple layers of sweats and hoodies, for two full episodes of “House”. Know how much I dropped? .6 pounds. What finally did the trick was a long hot shower just in time to jump in the car for the 5 hour drive to Atlanta.

Thankfully, I did get an hour long nap in the car. I arrived a pound under weight with about an hour and a half until my division start time. So I proceeded to sip some fluids and nibble on some trail mix.

I was actually working at this tournament as well. I became a bit of a floater since they were pretty short staffed. My first job before I competed was working as a ring coordinator. After competing, I bounced between score keeping, and crowd control in the bullpen.

Weight Division
There were only five girls in my division as a total, which I hate to see because it means that only one person in the division won’t make the podium or the open. What can you do though?

I had the extra match first thing. I don’t remember exactly how it went and I wasn’t able to get someone to film, so I guess I’ll never really know for sure. I remember playing de la riva and getting a sweep and winning on points. My opponent was very frustrated toward the end of the match. This match actually wore me out pretty well. My legs were tired and my forearms were sore – I was very happy to have a decent sized break while they snuck in another bracket before coming back to me!

My second match was the semi-finals. I thought to tomoe nagi but missed my foot placement and pulled guard instead. The ref pulled us back to center which I attempted to help with my doing “the worm”. I finished with a loop choke from half guard.

Third match was the finals. She pulled guard straight into a beautiful de la riva sweep which felt like had been drilled many times! She came up into my one legged x-guard which we played in for a few minutes. I finally managed to get my sweep and jumped to a guillotine, finishing in mount.

Open Weight Division
There were nine girls total in the open weight division, and guess who got the extra match again!? Yup! I was actually happy about that!

First match was not the type of win I like to see. We grip fought for a short time, and then she tried to snap me down. (I pause here to say thank you to Javier and Lance for helping me with takedown defense!) I ended up jumping guard and when she went down with me, her leg straightened and her knee made some awful noise. She didn’t say anything so I kept working and got a quick arm bar. Immediately we had to call the medic over because her knee was hurting badly. I watched the video playback later and it made me wince… I hope she’s okay!

Second match I dropped into a wrestling stance (odd for me!) and proceeded to defend a couple shot attempts. I tried to go for a guillotine off one, missed it, and ended up on my back. I then went after a loop choke and got the tap.

Third match was the semi-finals against another light weight. I got some weird takedown that I really don’t know what to call – some sort of combo maybe? I did get in a triangle for a second, but was able to get my arm pummeled under so I could attempt to pass. She turtled on the pass so I went to a 10 finger guillotine. She was tough and went to the bitter end!

Fourth match was the finals. And it was a war! I got the same weird takedown I had gotten in the previous match, this time ending in a cut through position. I got stuck in quarter guard and ended up getting my right knee twisted pretty badly. I had already been icing it for something that happened in one of my weight division matches, and that did not feel so good!
I managed to squeak in a pass for some points, but got caught in quarter again and couldn’t do much more than stabilize because of the knee screaming at me. I was able to finally switch which leg was trapped, then I got swept and the angle my left leg went over at made a few people scream and the medics stand up. That one didn’t hurt though (thank you hypermobility!) and I went to my one legged X-guard again and spent the last minute of the match trying to sweep back. I ended up winning the finals on those pass points.

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What Was Different?
A couple of days before I left for this competition I was talking with my coach and has a realization that I decided to put to the test in Atlanta.

This isn’t personal. This is not a fight between myself and my opponent. It’s a conversation between my Jiu Jitsu and their Jiu Jitsu. If I make it personal, I become ridged and on edge. If I am relaxed and fluid, I can respond without hesitation to what my opponent offers me.

Before my finals match in the open, I was sitting in a chair outside the bullpen having a conversation with myself. This was the first time I had ever been in this position. I had never made it to the finals in the open division before. I realized I could easily stress out over it, but I decided to just go with it. I chose to trust that my training will have an answer for what was ahead, and all I had to do was take what my opponent gave me, give back what I have, and see what happens.

So in a nutshell: I finally learned to chill out. I’ve been focusing this past year on my mental game, and keeping my stress levels low. I think I finally “got it”!

In Closing
I just had so much fun at this competition! I got to show off my new gi from my awesome crew at Raijin Fight Wear, made new friends, worked hard, got my first double gold, and even got a congratulations from the head of our new team!

Next up: No Gi Pan Ams and No Gi Worlds (followed by Disneyland!)

 

 

A Perspective Changing Photo

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I just got done competing in my first open belt cash prize tournament. I had two wonderful photographer friends of mine come to take pictures and this is one of the first ones that has been edited so far. It kind of rocked my world.

It has always bothered me to some degree that I am not one of the cute, small, dainty looking girls. Sure, the majority of my psyche tells me that women come in different shapes and I shouldn’t let it bother me that I can’t fit my self into a particular mode… But I do have my moments when I mentally do just that.

When I saw this photo my first reaction was that I was going to just shove it away and pretend it didn’t exist. It definitely doesn’t fit into the mental model of what I should be.

Then I stopped myself.

I looked again.

It’s definitely NOT dainty.

But there is something else there. Something more important.

Actually there are two things. Both of which, I can thank the past two years of Jiu Jitsu training for.

1. Confidence
Seriously! I look at that picture and I see someone ready to take on whatever is thrown at her! Before Jiu Jitsu, I had trouble making eye contact and would get horrible anxiety when I had to be in crowds. Growing up, I always wished I could be this kind of confident!

2. Strength
Nothing little and dainty here! I look strong and fairly on the buff side.

This picture seriously brought me to tears. I’m an athlete, and I have a purpose. I realized “small, cute, and dainty” is not me, and that’s totally cool! My daily training has grown me into something different, and I kinda like it! Thank you so much to Janet Wohler for taking this photo!

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That little tidbit aside, I had a good time at the tournament and won the cash prizes for Gi and No Gi. It is enough to pay for my plane ticket to Portugal in January for the European Championships! Yay!

My sponsors Raijin Fight Wear sent me a prototype of their Gi to test out for them, and it was a huge hit! Can’t wait for it to officially launch and for everyone to see the awesome detailing on it! I have to keep that under wraps for the time being, but it is worth the wait!

The Atlanta Open will be in a few weeks. I’m registering tomorrow, but there is no one in my division and they are at 70% capacity already. Plenty of feather weights, but no light weight love. I’m gonna hope someone is just waiting to see another name on the list!

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How Good Could I Be?

Note: I find the best way to work through something is to write it out. By the time I’m done writing, I’m feeling back to normal again. So here is one of those type of writings…

I get very frustrated trying to train for competitions, being the highest ranked girl at my gym (and a smaller girl at that). If someone is left sitting out on the side of the mats, it’s usually me or one of the other girls.

I don’t mind this when I’m not trying to prepare for an event, but when I’ve got a goal in mind, and I have to sit out because no one will make eye contact with me when it’s time to change partners… it’s really disheartening.

How Good Could I Be…

How good I could be if I was able to roll every round like the guys do?

How good could I be if I didn’t feel like every time I did get to roll, that someone was doing me a favor?

How good could I be if everyone would roll with me instead of just sitting on top of me until time is called?

How good could I be if I had a good training partner I could go toe to toe with and sharpen my skills against?

How good could I be if I got to go beyond just working defense on someone?

How good could I be if I actually got to finish subs instead of having them wrenched out of my properly placed hands?

How good could I be if I didn’t have to worry about my opponent getting more quality mat time in than I do?

How good could I be?

Seriously, I’d be awesome!

We all have the things we have to deal with when getting ready for my competitions. The point is, we all have to take what we have and make the most of it.

My frustrations become magnified when I’m training intensely. My brain works in efficiency mode pretty much non-stop, so when I get stalled, it really messes up my gears.

I’m trying to learn to shift gears.

If I have to sit a round, I take note and watch two of our upper level belts roll with one another. I study little things like the placement of their feet, how the hold their weight, a minor shift of a hand grip… and of course, the random cartwheel guard passes!

I am the one in charge of my response to my challenges. I’ll admit, some days I sulk in my office after practice. My coach has patiently listened to me rant at least once before each competition (it has become a tradition about 10 days before every tournament).

In the end, I pick myself up and get back at it. What other option is there? Quit? Ha! In the end, I push through the frustration and come out stronger and better on the other side. It’s just a part of the growing pains.

I will not let frustrations become excuses. Instead, I’m gonna use them as fuel.

So…

So I don’t have everything perfect?

So I have to count pennies to make tournament fees?

So I have to work a few extra hours?

So I have to push myself through circuits until I throw up?

So I have to wake up an hour earlier to get my conditioning in before anyone else shows up?

So I have to say no to distractions?

So I have to focus to the point where some people think I’ve lost it?

Yea… that’s the way it’s gonna be. In the end, I want to know that I’ve done the best that I can with what I have in my hands. It’s very rare few who have an “ideal” situation. If that is you, you had better be busting your butt, or I’m gonna bust it for you when I meet you on the mats.

And that, my friend, is a promise.

Jiu Jitsu and Aspergers pt 2 – It Fits

Wow!

I really wasn’t expecting such a huge response from part 1! I thought a few of my friends might read it and find it interesting. Let’s just say the last week has been a bit overwhelming. Thank you everyone!

My parents read it as well, and I guess I just took for granted that they should understand me. My Mom said she wished I had written that out years ago for them and she is currently composing an article on what it was like raising an undiagnosed spectrum child. I’m quite interested to learn her perspective!

All right, that said, on to part 2. If you haven’t already, check out part 1.

Human Contact

My biggest challenge when starting Jiu Jitsu, was my sensitivity to human contact. I don’t really even know why, but I’ve always been very aware of my personal “bubble” and would cringe and flinch away if someone else initiated contact. It’s weird I know. I love hugs, but have to be the one initiating them. I don’t know how to describe it other than it mentally hurts me and almost feels physically painful if someone else initiates contact.

Somehow, Jiu Jitsu has actually helped to reduce this sensitivity and I think it is the fact that BJJ gives me a flow chart of movements to follow. I’ve learned that for every action my opponent makes, I have at least two options that I can respond with. I don’t have to freak out because I know the appropriate response in a format that I understand.

This has helped me relax a lot with human contact even outside of the gym. I still have my off days but, for the most part, I don’t tend to jump when someone decides to spontaneously hug me.

Social Skills

This is another biggie. I’m blessed to have lived in Nashville for going on seven years now and have been surrounded by amazing people who love me. I make a social “boo boo” and they usually just shrug and say “well, that’s just Nicholle” and move on. (Shout out to my amazing friends!)

Still, I have never felt like I was able to really meld myself into a social group. I mentally knew I was included and accepted, but never really could fit. Believe me, that has been the source of many tears over the years!

The combination of my conversational deficits and inability to read (or speak) non-verbal language, partnered with my one track mind really doesn’t make for a good party conversationalist. I have to choose between not speaking at all (appearing shy); or letting my one track, non-graceful thought train loose on the world (appearing arrogant or stuck-up). Given the choice, I prefer the first option. I’m not shy, but must appear so in order to keep my slip ups to a minimum.

Enter Jiu Jitsu!

When I got into Jiu Jitsu, I found myself surrounded by a community of people who didn’t find it odd that I wanted to talk about “bio-mechanics behind the proper placement of feet for the most energy efficient results when doing a tripod sweep”. In the past, I would discover an amazing concept, share it with someone, and be met with just a blank stare. Now, I am greeted with enthusiasm, and usually an exchange of even more cool information!

Oh wow! So this is what a real conversation is like! It is a lot easier when I am surrounded by people who are just as obsessed as I am. It makes me feel normal and accepted.

This helps me out immensely because I get to practice having actual real conversations with people! Since I started training, I have been getting better at holding conversations outside of the gym as well. Practice makes perfect!

No luck improving my non-verbal communication skills so far and I’m kind of giving up on the whole idea. Instead, I have started letting people know when I meet them that I take things literally and at face value. This foreknowledge helps to clear up misunderstandings much more easily.

Sensory Overload

Big competitions are interesting. I find the best thing I can do to keep from being overstimulated is to work at the competitions. If I have something to focus on, I am able to block out all the excess sensory input. I particularly enjoy working as a Ring Coordinator for IBJJF competitions. I love to set things in order and that job requires a huge amount of organization skills to make everything run perfectly. Good fit no?

If I’m at a tournament and am not working, I will be cheering on a team mate (or anyone I know). Without an “assignment” I’m usually wandering around like a lost puppy trying to find some task to do. It’s impossible for me to relax in such a busy environment, so I opt for distraction. Headphones and a book is my favorite combination.

Patterns!!!

About a week after 2013 Worlds, right before I got my blue belt, I had one of those “ah ha!” moments. Suddenly, I saw the moves I had been learning and practicing for the previous year in a whole new light.

Everything has a pattern. I remember arguing with my Dad that there is no possible way that a computer program can do something randomly – there is always a formula that the computer uses (aka: a pattern), and that formula is concrete, so it can’t produce something that is random.

Rabbit trail aside: I’ve started to see the pattern of Jiu Jitsu. I don’t understand it all yet, but I can see it when I roll and little bits and pieces are coming together. This really excites me!

The Journey

I started Jiu Jitsu because I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted a physical activity with a goal in mind – but I’ve always been horrible at sports. In P.E. I was always the last kid picked, even after kids half my size. I had enjoyed TKD as a child however and decided I would go the martial arts route. So glad I did!!!

My coach, Shawn Hammonds, is amazing! I have never had a coach or a team before, and that is really what initially got me hooked and kept me coming back. They challenge me in a way that I have never experienced before, and I like it. I’d always craved someone to push me just a little bit harder, instead of being satisfied with what I had already done. I don’t think that’s a trait of Aspergers – maybe there is more to my personality than just that eh?

One of my favorite things, is that I’m allowed to have a bad day around my team. I can totally break down, freak out… whatever. They just shrug and it’s back to normal the next day. I don’t have to stress over being perfect and always on guard like I used to always be – except for when sitting on the side of the mat after class… you never know when someone is going to randomly jump on your back while you’re just chilling!

Less than a year into training, I expanded my team and added Raijin Fight Wear to my corner. It was a chance meeting on Twitter for which I am so thankful! I was amazed that a company would want to sponsor me, as a white belt, before I had even competed internationally! We exchanged messages and they told me that they loved my enthusiasm and would love to have me representing them. They have been cheered me on and encouraged me all through 2013 and then signed me on again for 2014. They are a quality company that matches my “strive for excellence” personality well and I plan to represent them all the way to the black belt podium and beyond!

My team has gone through a lot of transition in the last year. I may write some about it later, but that would be a monster of a rabbit trail right now…

What Now?

I’ve decided that there is just too much to say about this topic to fit it into one or two posts – so I’m going to make it a series that I’ll add to a little bit every Saturday. The rest of the week I’ll be doing my regular updates and random ramblings. If anyone has any questions about anything I talk about, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I can’t guarantee that I’ll know the answer, but I will do my best to find one!

Jiu Jitsu and Aspergers pt 1 – My Aspergers

This is a post I’ve had in my brain for quite a while, debating on if I should share, and decided to just go for it. Hopefully it ends up making sense! In this first post, I’m just gonna go over what my Aspergers is like. In my next post, I will be explaining how this affects my Jiu Jitsu, and how BJJ has helped me.

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Aspergers is an Autism Spectrum Disorder – I’ve heard some people describe it as “high functioning Autism”

So what does that mean for me? Well, each person is a unique case, so I’ll run the risk of megalomania, and just tell you about me.

Sensory Processing

First off, I’m hypersensitive to sensory input. I adore music, but can’t handle most concerts because of the combination of light, sound, movement, etc just puts me into overdrive and I end up going “space cadet” – I don’t really know how to describe it other than that, I just shut down to barely functional levels. It was really bad once and I had to be led out of a building in a semi-catatonic state – Scared a friend of mine pretty badly!

Stimming

Now I do have a way around this. It’s called Sterotypy, or “stimming”. When I was a kid, I would get stressed and start very slightly rocking my upper body in a circular motion. My Mom thought it was because I was dizzy (and even took me to a doctor for vertigo) – sorry Mom, I just didn’t know how to explain it at the time. I wasn’t dizzy; it just made me feel better to do it. The repetitive motion seemed to numb me enough that I could keep myself together – I felt like I would fly apart at the seams otherwise.

As I have gotten older, I have learned how to stim without it being so noticable. I can put my hand in a pocket and flip a coin, touch my thumb and fingers together, etc. Usually I’ll get a far away look on my face, and people assume I’m thinking deep thoughts. I’m not – my mind is actually blank at that point.

Patterns

I absolutely ADORE patterns. Once I find the pattern in something, I quickly excel at it. I love playing classical piano, and can sit there for hours just lost in Mozart and Beethoven. I also love drawing (see some of my artwork here), and organizing things.

Yes, I do have that compusion to organize things. My closet is a perfect rainbow of color, and my books are divided by category and then alphabetized by author last name. Oddly enough, there are some things I obsess over organizing, and other things that I couldn’t care less about – not sure what that’s all about…

Obsessions

I always have one thing – maybe two – that I am interested in. Always. And I learn everything about it. I’ve been obsessed with bugs, with mud, with animals… I raised chinchillas for several years. As a 12 year old child, I could sit down and show you detailed genetic information about each chinchilla and their possible offspring.

Whatever I’m focused on, it gets 150% of my attention – neglecting everything else. It’s all I can think about and talk about. I have gotten much better about trying to spread out my conversation topics – since not everyone wants a 45 minute monologue about anything, much less the newest particle physics discovery. Also, I make sure I pause every 10-15 seconds while talking to allow the other person to respond. Practice has made this work a lot more smoothly for me – but sometimes when I get excited I just keep talking. I don’t take offense to someone telling me to shut up for a min – so if I ever do this, just stick a hand up and call for a break.

Social Cues

Here’s where I stumble the most. I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to social cues. Reading facial expressions, vocal tone, body language… it’s a nightmare of misunderstandings for me. I’m sure I’ll get it some day, but I have to rely on what people say, since if I try to read non-verbal language cues, I usually make gross errors.

On the other side of that coin, I don’t know how to use proper facial expressions/etc. I have gotten a bit better, but as a child I was typically stone-faced and “unreadable” to most everyone. Even now, I watch my videos and I feel something is “off” but i don’t know what it is. I still have problems with eye contact as well – I fake it most of the time.

Social Flow Charts

Believe it or not, my brain operates a lot like this. I have very complex social flow charts in my head that script most of my social interactions. This doesn’t mean that what I say isn’t sincere! I just can’t figure out on the fly out to correctly say what I intend.

And yes, when I lose my filter, Sheldon = Me.

MORE Social Stuff

Right now what I’m focusing on is trying to have actual conversations with people. The normal conversation goes back and forth, as the topics change and meander around. This problem, for me, goes back to my script. If someone brings up something that I don’t know an appropriate response to, I panic. This usually then results in either me blurting out something completely ridiculous (mental short circuit), or trying to re-direct the topic back to familiar territory.

I’m starting to get the hang of asking questions instead of just diving off the conversation ship. The problem with questions, is that it takes me off script and that is where I tend to make more social mistakes (and trust me, some of them have been horrendous!) Thankfully, I am currently surrounded by people who, for the most part, shrug off my mistakes and just move on. So in that safety, I am slowly growing and learning!

Frustration

All of this put together made for a very frustrated individual. I thought I was an idiot for not being able to fit in and be part of the group like everyone else. I may not have known how to express emotions properly, but I still felt them. I felt trapped inside my body and just didn’t know how to get out, or ask for help.

I’ve adapted quite a bit  in the last several years. People who know me as an adult are usually quite surprised when they learn I have Aspergers. Those who knew me as a child tend to nod and say “well that makes a lot of sense…”

If there were a cure, I wouldn’t want it. I love how my brain works. Sure, I can be a bull in a china shop at times where social graces are concerned – but I have learned to cover fairly well in the last several years. Jiu Jitsu is one of the things that has really helped me a lot in that regards, and I will expound on that in part two of this post.

Click Here for Part 2!

Brain? Check! Body? Not So Much

I have finally managed to nail down the exact reason for the anxiety I have been having during competitions this year! You know that feeling you get when you almost crash your car and die? I live in that “jolt” for every tournament – for a week or two before the tournament even. Yea… I know I need to chill.

Then, of course, I get into this lovely spiral of stressing over the fact that I can’t relax. Sounds really productive huh?

This is not normal for me. I’m usually the one who bounces through the day letting everything roll off my back. Hakuna Matata anyone? The last time I felt like that though was at the European Championship in January. What was my secret?

I’m a goofball.

That wasn’t a joke – that’s seriously the root of the problem. I’m a huge goofball but ever since competing at the European Championship I’ve been trying to take everything so seriously. Without my goofball antics to keep me out of my own head, I just ferment inside like a pressure cooker until the stress becomes debilitating.

I thought I should be more serious if I’m going to be a serious competitor… Forget that! I put this to the test for the last 2 tournaments and the results are in!

Chicago Open:
I wasn’t even sure if I was going to compete or not at this one. I tore a muscle in my right forearm that week and hadn’t been able to really use it much in class. I was working at this tournament and had already booked the hotel so I went anyhow. I got to wear one of the black shirts and work at the podium, as well as occasionally helping out with the inexperienced ring coordinators. Good times!

About 10 mins before my division was to be called, I decided to just go for it – and I had no time to freak out, I’d been busy all day! Ended up taking gold in my division and bronze in the open. My bracket for the open was really weird. There were 5 of us, and I had the extra match – so three on my side, two on the other. I won my first match then learned that a girl on the other side of the bracket had to bow out, giving her opponent a straight shot into the finals. I fought the second girl on my side of the bracket lost by advantage.

So since there were only 4 of us, I got third place alongside the gal I beat in my first match. Confused? I was. Also, the lady who got the straight shot into the finals was team mates with the one I lost my second match to – and she made her bow out to her in the finals… So she got the gold without a single match. That was a sucky messed up draw methinks. Oh well! Apparently once the bracket is drawn up and printed, the officials can only cross names off and aren’t allowed to move things around. For gold I’d have had to beat 3 fresh opponents in a 4 person division. Would have been pretty cool though!

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Synopsis: Being unable to post with my right arm made me give up two sweep points in the open which I lost on (annoying!) but with no time to fester and freak out, so it was the most relaxed I remember being at a tournament in quite a while!

Abu Dhabi Pro Trials
I stayed with a friend in Brooklyn the day before competing and he is the one who helped me pinpoint my mental problem. I was wigging out so badly the day before competing (my bday no less!). He got me out of my head enough for me to finally realize how badly I was festering in there. For the rest of the day and into the next I was in fine form, just being a nut – and had no stress.

My brain was finally balanced for the tournament, but unfortunately, my body wasn’t quite there. While applying a choke in my first match, my arm tore more… A truly unpleasant sensation for sure! I froze and she passed my guard. I put up a fight the best I could but every nerve ending was on fire and my right arm was completely useless. So I lost on points. Sucked because she told me afterward that the choke was very tight – too bad my arm couldn’t have waited a few more seconds!

Anyhow, it’s still just a muscle tear and the doc says it should heal with a week of rest. Feels kinda weird, I didn’t go to the gym at all yesterday… I just read in bed all day. Today is the same thing. I’ll have to go in tomorrow since I have massage clients – but no training until Monday. Then I’ll have a week to take off my Gi and get my flow for No Gi Worlds. Yay!

More Mind Games

I get really bad anxiety when preparing to compete. The downside of having such a good imagination is I physiologically react to visualization like I was actually in a live fight. Heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, etc.

I sat down today with one of our mma trainers and talked through it with him. He told me “yea… You need to chill out.”

Talking through it with him made me realize that it was only getting worse with each competition, not better. So I figure I need to determine the real reason why I’m freaking out so I can deal with it.

I know it’s not fear of injury. I’ve been injured before, I’m sure I’ll be injured again at some point. I know how to deal with that.

It’s not fear of loosing. I know that win or lose, I haven’t failed. Besides, when I’m a black belt, no one is gonna care if I tapped to an armbar as a blue belt. Right now I’m just testing things out.

It’s not fear of winning either. Oddly enough, I thought it might be this at first. But again, winning as a blue belt doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things – won’t make a difference when I’m a black belt!

I think I finally nailed it down to two things. I shall now proceed to dissect them and hopefully then diffuse them.

“I don’t really deserve to be here”
I never feel like I’ve trained enough or put enough time in. I remember:
Every time that I sit out a round of sparring (stupid odd numbers sometimes!)
Every time there are no appropriate training partners
Every class I’ve been late to because I was with a massage client
Every day when I’ve slept through morning training
Every day that I’ve goofed off while rolling instead of pushing

And so on…

In counter to this, I sat down and worked out an average of how many hours I’m actually on the mats a week – and added them all together.

My total mat time is at least 550 hours so far this year!

Doesn’t look like slacking from that angle! Numbers are something concrete I can hold on to. I’ve put in my time – and I DO deserve the chance to compete.

“I don’t want to fail my team/coach/self”
This is the hardest one for me. I have never had a team before and am still not quite grasping how much that they really have my back. I worry that if I fail, I will loose their respect and confidence.

Complete nonsense I know. We already know I am going to do the very best that I can – with whatever scenario I land in. No matter what the outcome, it won’t change who I am. It won’t change what I know. It won’t change what I am capable of. I am capable of both outstanding success, and horrific failure – but I am defined by neither one of those.

So what now then?
I went back and revisited my reason that I started training in the first place. Can you guess?

I wanted a challenge.

Well here it is – exactly what I asked for when signing up.

I’m drowning out any negative thought with 2 positive statements.

Now I feel that nervousness transforming into anticipation. Ooraah.

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The Mental Battle

Before every major tournament, I have my mental battle. I win or lose in my mind every time – before I step into the venue. Here is my open book, mental war I face each time. I don’t think I’m the only one here… If I am, oh well. At least you know I’m human!

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I have straight up, irrational self-doubt. The kind that ignores reality and works to sabotage everything I try to put effort into. It’s one of those “I know better” kind of things – but easier said than done.

I’ve done so much in the very short time that I have been practicing Jiu Jitsu – as a white belt I got up to ranked #1 in my weight division! I took home a second place team award – as a sole competitor! I’ve placed at all but one of the 14-16 competitions I’ve entered in!

Does this make a difference? Nope. Instead of focusing on making excuses for why I “lost”, I make excuses for how I “won”. I just believe that every achievement was a fluke and at any moment people will realize what a poser I am.

Again, I know better…

 

 

I’ve got 4 big tournaments coming up in the next few weeks:
Sept 28 – No Gi Pan Ams
Oct 12 – Chicago Open
Oct 19 -Abu Dhabi Pro Trials
Nov 2,3 – No Gi Worlds

For me, my hardest competitor will be the one inside my head. I always have to fight the “You can’t. You’re a fake. You’re a failure.” I don’t win or lose the battle with my opponent. I win or lose the battle with myself.

I’m flying out on Friday for the No Gi Pan Ams. I’m going to prove the “you can’t” wrong so that, in the future, I can refer back to this point. I’m calling it out now…

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A Ring Coordinator’s Perspective

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I just got home from a very long intense day in Atlanta where I worked at the IBJJF Atlanta Open. Registration closed early without any warning, so instead of competing, I offered to work since I’d be there anyhow.

I arrived at 8:00 am and was assigned the job of ring coordinator for mat #4. I was expecting I’d be a scorekeeper since I’ve never worked at one of these tournaments before, but hey, duty calls!

After a short meeting with the basic run down of process, we were handed out first set of brackets and turned loose.

As a competitor myself, I understand how much can go wrong if the ring coordinator messes up – but I didn’t realize exactly how much they are responsible for. As a competitor, I would just see the ring coordinator as the person who checks my ID, weighs me in, and sends me to my mat. It’s actually more involved than that.

The Process

So first off, I made my way to my mat where I met my referee and scorekeeper. I figured communication would be key, and decided to make it my goal to keep things running as smoothly so that the ref wouldn’t feel like he had to do anything but focus on the match he had that very moment.

After checking in and making sure they were ready, I went to start calling for the people from my first bracket. I developed a system of calling two people who were matched up at a time. I would check their IDs, and if I had not found their competitor yet, I’d ask them to stay close while I continued calling. First pair I found, I would send them together to get their Gi’s checked while I waited by the scale for them. I would usher them to the mat and give their names to the score keeper. If I knew which side of the mat they would be on, I would point them to their corner.

I was also in charge of match order. I kept a piece of paper at the table where I wrote down the names of the next competitors so the matches could keep going while I went hunting for the rest of the brackets. When a match was over, my scorekeeper would circle who won. I would then record the results and determine who would be fighting who next as the brackets narrowed down.

At one point, I was keeping track of 4 separate brackets. Keeping the order flowing so we didn’t have a lot of dead time, but also allowing the competitors time to rest between their matches was a fun juggling game! Especially so when it came to working with multiple brackets at the same time.

Disqualifications

I was so happy that everyone I weighed in made weight! I saw a few people DQ’ed for missing weight and it was horrible to witness.

There were two white belts that I called for about 20 minutes who I couldn’t find anywhere. I waited until it was stalling the brackets before I took my sheet to the officials table. They called them up on the microphone with a 5 minute warning and I still couldn’t find them – so the ref and officials declared them DQ’ed so we could move on with the matches.

When we got to the finals match for the division, I finally found one of them. He had been waiting in the bullpen and didn’t hear me calling, or the microphone calls. One of the officials had spoken with him previously, and remembered him being present before his final call on the microphone. I felt so badly because we were already in the finals and there wasn’t anything I could do. Dude, if by some chance you’re reading this, I’m really sorry that happened. I can’t think of anything else I could have done to get your attention in time. I’m a competitor myself and am absolutely paranoid of missing my call, and will be more so now!

Brackets of Three:

The most mind shrinking part was when I was handed two brackets of three competitors. This is the only time a division is not single elimination. Here’s the way it worked. Lets use the names “Ryan, Jerry, and Bob”.

Ryan and Jerry fight.
Jerry looses
Jerry fights Bob

This can go one of two ways now.

Scenario 1:
Jerry wins against Bob
Jerry then fights with Ryan again for first place, Bob gets 3rd

Scenario 2:
Jerry looses against Bob
Jerry gets 3rd
Bob fights Ryan for 1st place

So basically, whoever wins the first match, is guaranteed to be in the finals. However, whoever loses the first match still has a shot at 1st place because if they win the second match they earn another try at the pre-existing finalist.

This really confused me at first. This is how I though it would work:

Ryan and Jerry fight
Ryan beats Jerry and is secure in the finals
Jerry fights Bob

If Jerry beats Bob, he gets 2nd place and Bob gets 3rd.
If Bob beats Jerry, Bob fights Ryan for 1st place, and Jerry gets 3rd.

Made more sense to me that way, but oh well. I got their system figured out.

I gave myself a headache making sure the matches were organized to give appropriate break times between matches. At the same time, I was also juggling another nearly full bracket as well. It ran smoothly in operation however, so my near brain aneurysm was apparently worth the effort!

On Black Belt Matches:

Gotta say, black belts, you guys are awesome! After my near brain rupture you guys were a breeze to organize!

Since they have all been around the block enough, they all knew each other. So I would call one name, and he would motion the whole division up with him. I could get them all weighed in and at the mats in less time than it took to pair up two blue belts!

The event staff emphasized that I call the black belt matches right on time regardless of what else I had going on at the mat. Black belt privilege! Yea!

They gave me the light feather, and feather black belt divisions. It was the only down time I had all day! Once I had them all lined up, I organized the order, and got a few minutes to watch and wait. For the finals matches, there was a decent sized break for them to recoup and for us to hunt down another 2 refs (all black belt finals matches have 3 refs).

Then I was back to my whirlwind of activity!

Side note: it was so odd to have high level black belts responding to me with “yes/no ma’am”!

Tips For The Competitor:

So now that I see the organization side of things, here’s what I found helped/hindered me when interacting with competitors.

Not being in the bullpen when your division is scheduled
No brainier, but be in the bullpen at least 20 minutes before your division is scheduled. I would start calling names around 15 minutes before division start time. Imagine that start time is when your toes are actually hitting the mat. You want time to get your Gi checked, change your Gi if needed, weigh in, and get in the zone.

Disappearing after I check your ID in the bullpen
I had quite a few matches stalled because someone whose ID I had already checked disappeared while I called their opponent. Even when I made it a point to tell people “wait right here and don’t move while I find your opponent” they would vanish. One dude nodded to that request, turned around, and vanished into the crowd before I could open my mouth again. It took me 30 seconds to get his opponent, and another 5 minutes to track him down again. Then I had to hustle to get them through the line and weighed in since their match was on deck.

Asking me when ______ division is being called / What ring number you are at.
There is a schedule posted online with all the division start times. Ring coordinators are only given a few brackets at a time, and are not given knowledge of what brackets the other coordinators have. If you are worried that you have been overlooked in your division, your best bet is to flag down one of the officials at the bracketing table. They are pretty busy, so if it’s 30 minutes until your scheduled division starts, just sit tight and stay near the front of the bullpen area where you can hear names being called. If you are paranoid like me, and it’s your division start time, ask passing ring coordinators if they have your division. I can’t tell you who has what division, but I can tell you if I have yours!

Coming through the Gi check area before I direct you to do so
It seems like it would be helpful, but when I’m organizing who goes where and when, it really throws off the system I have in my head. Ideally there would be someone to stop you from coming through if I’m not there to give them the nod, but in the case of being short staffed (as we were) we had no such guard once we got past the first few blue belt divisions. I’d be calling for people frantically only to find out they were standing by the scale in a huge huddle. Please wait until I specifically direct you to go get your Gi checked. Then I’ll know to meet you at the scale and get you to your mat as quickly as possible!

Potty Breaks
This was one thing I appreciated. When I was calling purple belts for ID checks, several if them asked if they had time to use the restroom before they got weighed in. In all but one case, they had time. Makes me think that might have been part of the hold up in the blue/white divisions?

Face Blindness
After scanning several hundred faces, I completely lost all sense of facial awareness. So please keep your ID with you at all times. You may get an amazing ring coordinator with a photographic memory… Or you could get me. Toward the end of the day I was probably asking the same person their name at least 8 times between ID checks and their final match. I just started apologizing in advance. Moral of the story, if your ring coordinator seems to be having trouble keeping track of names, just have a chuckle and write it on your forehead with a sharpie.

Match Results
When you are done with your match, if you won, make sure the scorekeeper knows your name and circles it on her name list before you go recoup for your next match. I had to track down two competitors at one point because my (truly amazing!) scorekeeper forgot the name of the person who won the previous match. It was her only boo boo the entire day and she deserves a round of applause!

Hovering after you’re done competing
When you are all done competing (and safely able to stand and walk!) check in with your mat table to verify you have no more matches and then make your way out of the mat area back through the bullpen. If you placed, congratulations! Keep your Gi on, your ID handy, and wait to be called to the podium for your medal!

I may come up with more tips once I finish processing, but this seems like quite a bit for now!