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Tokyo Recap Pt 3: Mini Pilgrimage

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Tuesday

I decided I would try to start off my day with a visit to the Kanda shrine in Akihabara. It is a Shinto shrine about a 20 minute walk from my accommodation and once again, was quite busy. I had planned to request a goshuin from this location but when I saw that it was a pre-written separate page goshuin I decided to move on and explore other places instead. I am not a huge fan of goshuin pages that have to be glued into my book unless they are special edition ones that take an extra long time for the priests/monks to prepare. So I decided I would circle back toward the end of my trip if I had room in my book.

I took a 25ish min stroll from here then toward the Ueno park area (stopping along the way for a snack) where I re-visited the Shinobazuno Pond – which is full of lotus plants. I have always ever visited during the time of year when they are in full bloom and there was something of a different kind of beauty to see them in the phase of life cycle when they are buried in the mud.

There is an island in the middle of the pond where the Shinobazunoike Bentendo temple is located. Here I stopped to purchase two pet health charms for Dante and Dmitri – they were blessed for pet health and traffic safety and designed to be worn on the collar. I also received my first goshuin of the day in my book and discovered that this was the 5th and final stop of a one-day walking pilgrimage of temples in the Ueno park area. I decided this would be my quest, although I would just do it in reverse since I had already started at the end.

My next stop was #4 – up the hill to the Kiyomizu Kannon-do Temple. Here they have trained a tree into this circular shape so that standing at the main entrance you can look down the hill and see the Shinobazunoike Bentendo temple down below in the middle of the pond.

This Temple is probably the biggest and most well-known temple in the park – it is also closest to the main train station as well. This was also the shortest walking distance between two temple spots that I encountered on this little quest.

Stop #3 consisted of collecting 2 goshuin from one location. This was the Ueno Daibutsu Shrine. The original temple was destroyed years ago by an earthquake. I believe the body was used for materials in the war but they were able to save the face and the very top of the temple spire and they just keep these two items on the top of a small hill in an open air temple space.

Stop #2 Was a tough one to find, and quite a distance away. The maps they had up around didn’t have very clear markers, were all in kanji, and not to scale – so I kept taking turns far earlier than they needed to be taken. The name of the temple is Kanei-ji Kaishan Hall – there are two separate halls and I ended up at the Kaishan Hall, although there is also the Rinnoden hall. I did not know about the Rinnoden hall until later and I just told myself it’s the intent that counts at the end of it.

This temple ground is dedicated to warding off plague so you can imagine that it has been very busy for the last few years.

The final #1 stop was a bit of a hike as I didn’t want to backtrack the way I had already gone and wanted to see new things – instead I walked behind the national museum. My map wanted me to walk through what looked like a school grounds which I didn’t feel comfortable doing so I took a longer loop around and eventually I ended up at the main Kaneiji Temple grounds and the Konponchu-do Temple where I completed my official pilgrimage. The monk flipped through my book to look at the stamps I had collected and congratulated me and placed an additional little paper talisman in my book for completion. I also sat in the temple for an extra 15 mins to just breathe for a bit at the end of the journey.

At this point I was ready for another snack, so I hopped on the metro and made my way back to Asakusa to get that melon pan that I wasn’t able to get the day before. I inhaled it with gusto too quickly to remember to try taking a photo, but it was super satisfying. Then I decided I would be brave and visit a brand new place, the Zozo-ji Buddhist Temple. It is also super close to Tokyo Tower which I have not visited before in all my other trips to Japan.

I arrived an hour before the evening service was scheduled to begin so I decided to visit the temple office for goshuin request and then wander the grounds for a while. I came back when I heard the pre-chanting begin and then sat to experience the service.

After this I walked up to the Tokyo tower. I was considering going up the tower today to see the city view at night. It would have been a very good evening for it since it was clear – I was also hungry and there were a lot of shops and places to eat inside of the tower. There is also a shrine at the top of the tower where I read I could get a goshuin – although a paste in the book kind of goshuin… but special edition for new years at least!

I decided I was too tired to take on a new series of tasks and instead headed back toward my hotel. I picked up an omurice to eat at my hotel and tanked out pretty early. Next update will have a brief summary of Wednesday since it was fairly uneventful, and then more detail on Thursday when I got to attend the Sumo Grand Championship Tournament!

Tokyo Recap Part 2: Going My Pace

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After the conclusion of my matches in the professional division, I still had a good chunk of daylight left since my division was one of the first ones of the day to run. I decided that I would make use of it by attempting to visit a shrine in Harajuku for a limited edition temple seal book that I wished to purchase. Temple seal (Goshuin) collecting is one of my favorite side quests to do in Japan. When I visit a temple or shine, I can go to the office and request for the priest/priestess place the temple seal in my book via red stamps and hand brush stroke calligraphy ink. Each shrine and temple have their own unique seal. It is something small but memorable to collect, and also it gets me out of my comfort zone, interacting with people, and into different neighborhoods to explore more.

That said, I did completely forget of course that it was a Sunday which is prime time for Japanese street fashion parade crowd times in Harajuku. I was jet-lagged, exhausted from competing that morning, still dealing with a residual migraine, weighted down with my sweaty gear bag, and probably not at my best for stepping off the metro and gazing down into what I affectionately refer to as the “sea of people” or just “nope” that is officially named Takeshita street on a weekend.

I walked past the entrance of the main street, which would be the most direct route to the Togo shrine but I decided to opt for a side street approach instead. I ended up meandering a bit and walked past this small curated garden, then doubled back and decided to give it a stroll through in order to help relax and decompress myself.

I discovered a small center within it that was hosting a free art exhibition as well displaying various art pieces – no photos allowed but it was quite a lovely experience to stumble upon and I am so glad I took the time to just enjoy a nice meander!

I did loop back around to my starting point and then had to wander back to get to the shrine entrance again. I made it up the side entrance and then saw the huge crowd of people and was once again reminded that it was a weekend. I did not have the energy to complete my quest and noped it out of there. Instead on my way back to the station I ducked into a small crevice and grabbed myself a bottle of my favorite electrolyte beverage from one of the vending machines there. I don’t know what magic is in this bottle but it really is the best thing ever, and the name makes me smile.

At this point I realized that I really needed to get back to my hotel and lie down so that I could get some rest after the day’s events. My headache just wasn’t going away and there was really no need for me to be pushing myself since the rest of this trip was officially vacation with very little by way of actual itinerary. I had eaten a salmon bento box at the venue before I headed out but definitely needed to feed myself a bit more before going to sleep. I didn’t have the energy left for much interaction so enter the convenience store rescue. I went for familiar (to me) easily digestible items with the plan to get myself some real food to eat the next day. Milk tea, egg sandwich, pudding, and vitamin jelly pack for the win!

Monday:

I woke up pretty early Monday morning and started off with another milk tea before heading back to Harajuku to resume my quest. I still found the whole idea very overwhelming though and determined that since it was a much smaller and less familiar shrine I should instead backtrack to the other side of the station and instead first visit the Meiji-Jingu shrine – a very familiar, very large shrine that you walk through a large wooded park to reach. Even with the huge amounts of people present it still feels peaceful and I could feel myself getting into a groove.

One thing I quickly realized is that visiting so close to New Years means that I shouldn’t expect the normal type of tranquility that I usually experience when visiting shrines and temples in Japan. Most of the festivities were all over by the time I arrived in Tokyo, but people were still doing a lot of their New Years visits, and activity levels were much higher than what I had been accustomed to when visiting in the early autumn.

There was a box for placing your previous year’s amulets in so they can then be ceremonially burned later on. I had been holding on to mine since I had not been able to visit since 2019 so it was far past its prime – but we can only do what we can! My new amulet is for victory and perseverance, very appropriate methinks!

When I visit any sort of sacred space, whether it be a church, synagogue, mosque, shrine, temple, etc; I tend to minimize the photos I take unless I see the locals also taking photos, and what photos I do take I try to make sure that I do not take or share unavoidable photos of people, particularly of people in prayer/meditation. It’s the respectful thing to do. At this particular location it is such a hub of activity that it doesn’t feel disruptive to take photos so long as I avoid being obnoxious

After getting myself oriented a bit at Meiji-Jingu, I made my way out their side entrance (making note of their new location for their Goshuin request line), and back towards the Togo Shrine. At this point though I was getting cold and hungry and I decided to stop at the cafe on the shrine grounds for a bowl of ramen. It was my first hot meal in Japan and it was pretty stinking amazing. The egg was hard-boiled but it was marinated and I could have eaten a bowl full of just those. The whole bowl of ramen was about $4 with the current exchange rate and while a pretty mid-level for Japan ramen, blew away the best ramen you’d ever get state side!

Now I finally made my way to the less crowded Togo Shrine where I then discovered that after all that wind up, the particular Goshuin book I was seeking was all sold out. Yes, cue the sad trombone womp womp sounds.

I decided to then backtrack to the Meiji-Jingu Shrine and purchase a Goshuin book from them. If I couldn’t get the limited edition one I was after, it made sense to get one from a place that I felt anchors me in Tokyo. They also issued me my first temple seal in my book there.

After this I felt like I finally had my feet under me and decided to jump on the train for a short ride to the Hie shrine. I unexpectedly arrived during the time they were busy burning the previous year’s amulets and was enjoying watching the process while I waited for the priestess to finish inking the shrine goshuin into my book. When I saw the locals taking photos and video of the burning process I took that as a cue it was okay to take photos as well.

This shrine is a bit out of the way on top of a hill but became popular when people discovered that one of the entrances was lined with red torii gates and it became a hot photo spot. I snapped a quick photo on my way out but didn’t feel like waiting around to get one without people in it – I’ve got that photo in my memory card already from previous visits and really needed to grab some water.

After grabbing some water and a quick snack, I decided to head to the Toyakawa Inari Betsuin Shrine that was fairly nearby. It was another Shinto shrine – this one a new one I had not visited before. It was probably the largest one in Tokyo I have ever visited specifically dedicated to Inari. Originally the goddess of harvest and now associated with overall prosperity, you will see her messenger foxes quite frequently if you ever visit Japan.

As it was a completely new place it was of course overwhelming and I took my time with it. As an autistic individual I’ve learned to give myself time and space to explore new things in my own way – I take in and appreciate the feel of a place first before I start looking at things visually and with other senses. I probably sat for about an hour before I started actually moving around and (from an outside onlookers point of view) taking it in. This is one reason why I prefer to travel alone especially my first visit somewhere, so that I can really experience places fully the way my brain does best. The second visit to a place I can happily do so with company.

It was a lovely place to visit and relax in. After paying my respects I visited the main temple office to request a goshuin in my book and then went on my way. I was getting pretty tired at this point, but it was still only mid-afternoon and I was trying to power through the jet lag and cold as much as possible and decided I would take the train over to the Asakusa area and try to find a particular sweet bread shop that I have dreamed of since my last visit in 2019.

The shop was unfortunately closed for the day by the time I arrived, so I just made a mental note to return the next day for my prize and then strolled to the adjacent Senso-ji Temple – my first Buddhist temple of the trip. This is the oldest temple in Tokyo and enshrines the Kannon – the Bodhisattva of Mercy. A huge marketplace has grown around the temple over the years and you could easily spend a week or more exploring this neighborhood. Senso-ji is also one of those places where you just give up about not having people in your photos. It’s just that busy!

At practically all temples and shrines you will see pieces of paper tied to trees, poles, and strings. These are the fortunes that are drawn by lot at the temples that are, shall we say, less than fortunate. If you draw a bad fortune you then fold it up and tie it in these designated areas. These bad fortunes are then taken by the priests and ritually burned to dispel the bad luck so it does not follow you.

At Senso-ji I drew a very bad fortune this year and when I went to tie it up, the horizontal pole came lose and I had to fumble to catch it quickly so the entire rack did not go flying across the hall. I hope they have strong prayers and hot fire for that level of bad juju!

After that encounter, I went over to the temple office to visit the monks and request a goshuin for my book. The office was in the same location as before and despite the crowds outside I was quite surprised to find no line at all – especially after my day of crowded shrines!

After leaving the office, I was contemplating trying to go out to eat but I was fading really fast and the sun was setting, so I decided to go back to my room and just grab something quick and easy to eat on my way back. I was going to stick with familiar (egg sandwich again?) but something caught my eye and made me double back my steps on my way to the train station. It was a katsu shop that had pre-made premium katsu sandwiches for sale. I decided to grab one since I felt like I was depending on the convenience store failsafe a little bit too much (although admittedly their food quality tops most US restaurants).

Of course after all this talk about my goshuin collecting for the day, I can’t close out this update without showing you my collection for the day now can I?

Next update I’ll be getting to the Ueno Park Pilgrimage Adventures!

Tokyo Recap Part 1: Departure and Competition

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Well I have been home now for about a week and a half now and the jet lag is finally fading – that 15 hour time difference hits harder on the return now in my late 30s. There were also other circumstances delaying my recap, but I’ll get into that later.

This was my first time back in Japan since before Covid in 2019 and to say I had been looking forward to it would be a massive understatement. I was caught completely off guard however by the huge wave of emotions that hit as my plane lifted off from Nashville early that morning. I was thankful to have a window seat and the cover of darkness as the waves of realization hit and became reality – of how much I had done over the last several years to make this happen again. I ugly cried for the majority of that short flight from Nashville to the Atlanta hub where I would catch the connecting flight onward to Tokyo.

The flight from Atlanta to Tokyo was rather rough as it was just over 15 hours long and I had a nausea inducing migraine for the majority of it. My weight was already good for making 62 kg getting on the flight, so dehydrating was definitely not part of the plan; but as we all know, things don’t always go according to plan.

My flight arrived in Tokyo around 2 pm so I took my time and checked my weight before going to customs, I was at that point about 60.8 kg so I started trying to sip some fluids since that was far below my intended weight at that point due to dehydration. After clearing customs I sat at the airport until about 4 pm since there was no point going to my hotel in central Tokyo to drop my bags when I would then have to immediately turn around and come back down for weigh ins right after doing so.

My official weight for the masters division was 60.1 kg (that is 134.4 lbs). After making weight I grabbed my bags and made my way to the metro station for the 30 min train ride to find my hotel.

I chose to once again stay in a capsule style hotel, this time in Akihabara (aka: electric town/anime central). I really like capsule style hotels because they tend to be centrally located near main train stations and offer great amenities such as premium hair/skin care products, spa services, and such like. This one gave me a fresh bag with my towel set and pajamas every day and I did not have to pack any toiletries since everything they provide is luxury quality. I don’t need a lot of space either, since I’m not hanging out in a hotel room all day and just need a safe comfortable place to sleep at night.

I tanked out pretty quickly after getting checked in and putting my stuff away. I was worried about having to fight first thing in the morning after flying in and weighing in the night before, but since they were running the amateur event the same day, the masters event was set to start in the early afternoon so I could have a little chill time.

As far as how my matches went, well it wasn’t my best day. I could make excuses but that’s all they would be. It doesn’t really matter what the excuses are, I either brought it that day or I didn’t – and that day I didn’t. I was feeling pretty cruddy about it since the masters division was supposed to be my actual focus for this trip and the pro division was going to be my “f*ck it I’m here, may as well” division.

This was the marquee going through my brain after those matches, while of course keeping a smile on my face of good sportsmanship: “should I not have dropped my walking weight so low and have just done the 70 kg division? Should I have not tried to do two divisions, just done one and done a more reasonable water cut for the last few lbs instead? Was it an actual injury or just me being weak? Was it the migraine aftereffects? Should I have flown in earlier? Am I just a washed-up has-been? Were they right when certain people told me a few years ago that at a certain age you just can’t expect to compete anymore? Am I too broken to make it back for real? Did I not train enough? Did I waste my training partner’s time for this?” You know, the whole doom spiral that tries to hit when you feel like you embarrass yourself spectacularly.

There was nothing else to do but keep moving forward of course. I had to hang around at the venue for a few more hours to wait for the weigh ins to open up for the professional division event (that event was the following day). I was still struggling to rehydrate and ended up weighing in for that at 61.35 kg, so that some was progress at least!

The mood the next morning on the warmup mats for the professional match was quite more serious than the day before. I won’t go into too detail about my matches but I will say I felt so much better about my performance overall in the pro division than I did in the masters division the day before. Each match was dramatically different, and they do double elimination at these big events for brown and black belt matches so I went 2:2 and took 4th place, just missing the podium (and some sweet $$).

So, the overall lesson learned from this after the spiral of the day before is that I was a dumbass and shouldn’t fly for 18 hours to the other side fo the world, weigh in the same day of arrival, and then compete the day after I arrive. I could get away with that in my 20s and early 30s: but apparently it’s a no go in my late 30s. One extra day of recovery and I was a much less embarrassing version of myself – still not perfect of course, but much improved. Yes, I should know better but I’m thickheaded and need to be reminded sometimes that I’m not invincible. When I do the Grand Slam in Abu Dhabi this May I plan to arrive several days before the event so I will have time to recover from the trip before weigh ins and competing.

Part 2 I’ll get into some of the fun exploration stuff! I went on a temple pilgrimage in Ueno Park!

Back in the Groove

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Man, it has been a crazy last few years.

There were quite a few long stretches of time where I basically quit mentally with my training and came within a hair of quitting physically as well. Between losing all my training partners due to academy drama, covid, and then my knee blowing out sideways – it was a lot.

Through it all, I gained an excessive amount of weight of course. I went from walking around comfortably around 140 lbs up to 192 lbs at my peak after surgery when I was immobilized for months. The extra weight puts pressure on my already wonky joints (I have hypermobile EDS), as well as caused an increase in overall inflammation/pain, shot up my cholesterol, and just made me feel like a washed up has-been. Having a significant amount of body dysmorphia and old history of an eating disorder did not help with that either.

March of last year is when I was able to start moving around a bit (3 months after surgery). I had a lot of limitations and twice weekly rehab since I was basically learning how to walk and use my leg all over again. There was a lot of nerve damage due to the extent of the damage to my knee and it was months before I could consciously flex my quadriceps muscle group. In summary:

2021: Awarded black belt in March, knee injury happened 3 weeks later in freak training accident. I knew it would put me down for a while but wasn’t sure how long – surgeon wanted to wait and see how much it could heal on its own before he did any surgery. It was frustrating going from 6 week appointment to 6 week appointment without a concrete recovery timetable answer – all while paying out of pocket for therapy twice a week (no insurance of course). In December the surgeon determined it had healed as much as it could on my own and did a 3 hour long reconstructive surgery.

2022: My sports orthopedic surgeon was happy with the outcome and promised me an eventual return to full usage. I’d never had a stiff joint in my life but he purposefully wanted it to heal stiff so it would be as strong as possible for all the impact I would put it though. This translated to many tears in PT when it came time to work on pushing the range of motion and I was on the watch list for a second procedure to clear out extra scar tissue. (Better that option than for it to heal too loose and have to get the whole procedure done over again.) March is when I hit that peak with my weight just as I was starting to be allowed more movement and could start working my way back down slowly. 6 months after surgery I was allowed to start moving around lightly on the mats with a special made sports impact brace to protect the healing ligament grafts. In December of 2022 I got the all clear to return to training without any restrictions – he said it would take another 6-8 months for me to feel fully recovered but I wasn’t in danger of damaging the reconstruction work he did. So I signed up to compete in January at the Europeans.

2023: So far I’ve competed at an event almost every month. It was a fight to get my weight down to make medium heavyweight (163.6 lbs) for Europeans, but it felt like a huge accomplishment to have a chance to be back on the mats and I was just tearing up in the bullpen as well as before/after all my matches. Honestly I feel pretty emotional and grateful at each event I’ve been to so far. I know I haven’t been training at my optimum in order to expect to win events, but the only way I will recover my movement and proper mindset is to just keep pushing myself and embracing the suck.

Currently:

I finally reached a place where I feel confident using my surgical leg without being on guard at all times – so that means I’m ready to get serious with my training again. I have most of my training partners back thanks to my coach opening a new academy where we can feel welcomed again, plus I’m now working a job that is a supportive environment for both jiu jitsu training/competing and my autism quirks.

I decided it was time to make the push to get back to my light weight division (141.6 lb) for the Master Worlds tournament next month. It’s a lot of hard work, but with support from my team mates I am able to keep my focus and am reaching or exceeding my weight goals each week. Self-motivation is a thing, but knowing my team and coaches have my back gives that motivation a solid foundation. Working from that foundation I feel my confidence and drive returning again, like I haven’t felt since my mid/upper purple belt days!

With a little extra push I’ll be able to make the goal of light weight early in time to compete in another event a few weeks before master worlds – then I can coast and let my system stabilize before the big event. I would just prefer to not have the first time I manage to make weight be at one of the biggest tournaments of the year.

I love seeing the camaraderie of our academy and all the new people coming in almost every day. After some dark times, the new chapters going forward are looking bright!

The Vibe Changed – Pt2

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It has been one year.

One year since my coach dropped my old academy from the team association.

We have been trying to pull our broken family back together after it was torn apart by their (old academy) bad business and management practices. It used to be my sanctuary, and now I can’t even think about it without feeling sad for how many students have tried training and left with a bad taste in their mouths.

That academy was my coach’s legacy. He poured decades of dedication into making it a respectable powerhouse name in the community. They decided my coach’s teachings were out of date and threw away his curriculum in favor of teaching flashy moves to people who didn’t know the basics of self-protection. I am angry that I hear stories on the regular of bigotry, racism, and harassment going on – with the issues never getting addressed, just silenced and swept under the rug.

It took me so long to have to give up on them fixing those problems. I was one of the last hold outs to leave before coach finally dropped them from the team. I wrote a carefully worded blog post (When The Vibe Changes) when I left with the intent of getting people talking openly about things that they tried to constantly just sweep under the rug. My hope was that if people talked about things, they could have a chance to be repaired. Instead, I received manipulative messages from people who I thought had my back, trying to guilt trip me into retracting what I had written.

Many of my long term team mates who left kept silent out of respect for my coach’s name being attached to the academy still. We didn’t want to burn a bridge that was still connected to us. When we all finally started sharing stories about what was going on, my coach realized how serious everything was and that was the final straw. He doesn’t give up easily on people, but it was just too much and I was honestly concerned that it would eventually tarnish his good name in the community.

I believed in their inherent goodness and ability to be better. I figured they would eventually learn from their experiences and maybe grow out of this phase of their existence, like teenagers learning to live independently from their parents. Even a year later though the same exact type of stories on repeat are coming out of there from students and instructors alike, no lessons have been learned and no progress made.

Every person who left or was driven out was immediately demonized and scapegoated as the cause of all the problems. I witnessed the pattern for years. The first one or two I could nod along with the reasonableness, but when you’re starting to hit double digits of long term (10+ years) committed people leaving, my autistic pattern recognition starts buzzing a bit.

They didn’t care about keeping their proven instructors, because they could just replace them with someone with less experienced or who didn’t know any better and would just go along with what they wanted. Good instructors will go through a lot and let themselves be driven into the ground mentally for the sake of their students – I know several who are still recovering from being bled dry, who I wonder if they will ever even be able to step back on the mats again even just for training. When I was laid up for months after my knee surgery, I got calls and visits from old friends I hadn’t spoken with in years. Only one message from them a week or two after surgery, and they had to be prodded harshly to do that much. They made it very easy for me to leave – the students are what made it hard.

I did my very best with a ladies program to build a micro-culture of support, and shield them from the issues I was trying my best to weather, while they kept promising to “fix it”. The day they told me I couldn’t even warn my students about potential problem individuals to avoid (claiming it was character defamation), was the day I really realized that it wasn’t going to get better. I gave an ultimatum to either give me tangible results, not more words, or I was walking. My name was attached to the program and I had no real power to do anything to protect them… not that I should have had to protect them to begin with. They made their usual action of pretending to do something but no changes happened.

I started going to therapy, because I assumed I was the problem and needed outside help with my “rotten attitude” so I could just live and train in peace again. “It’s not that bad” or “but look at this one good thing” became my focus. The day I told my therapist I turned in my notice she practically did a backflip and proceeded to let me know what she really thought (but couldn’t professionally say beforehand).

There is no one person who is at fault even if there are just a few at the forefront that people can blame – a gym culture and community is the responsibility of everyone who is in a decision-making position. I thought I could make a difference and hoodwinked myself into being part of some scenarios where good people were hurt, and I have to live with that. Thankfully those people were willing to talk things out, forgive and rebuild relationships – but that wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t been willing to have those hard confrontations with the intent to heal.

I want them to do better and be a safe respectful training spot for everyone again – not so I can return, that ship has sailed, but so all that potential doesn’t go to waste for so many people. I can’t completely move on and forget them because the community is small, and there are still people there who I care about. Best I can do now is focus on our new academy and my new ladies program that we formed to give people an alternative option for training. We are almost 6 months into operation and it feels like coming home every time I step on that mat and together we are healing and rebuilding.

Moving in the Right Direction

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A lot has fit into the first few weeks of the year!

I am absorbing the impact of my official autism diagnosis and what that means for me. I’m still the same person I’ve been my entire life, just with more knowledge. The doctor gave me some insights that I hadn’t thought of before that I am trying to learn to work with.

That same week I had a whirlwind 3 day trip to Paris to compete at the European Championships. It was my first major event as a white belt and felt like a full circle thing making it my first major event as a black belt. I did not know what to expect at all and was just thankful to be there – which is what I expect to be the common theme for all competition events this year. There was doubt I’d ever be able to safely compete again so get getting my toes on the mat out there again was such a meaningful thing that I was tearing up through the entire process (I also threw up before from the nerves). There are a lot of movements that I am not able to do yet, but my surgeon said I’m not in danger of damaging the repair work he did in my knee. It will be another 6-8 months before I start to feel “normal” again with it but in the meantime the more I keep trying to work with it, the better my final result will be.

I just did another competition event this past weekend in Atlanta. I definitely was slow and made strategic errors that would have given my coach a stroke if he had been able to be there watching. It’s going to be a long process of learning all over again and it really sucks because I know I’m not performing at my potential – but I also know if I don’t push through and put myself out there I will not get over it either physically or mentally.

Having a supportive team and extended bjj family makes a world of difference for me – and I love our bjj community, even people from other teams cared enough to check in or give me a lovingly stern talking to about some stupid thing I did. Coach was not exaggerating when he told me that he didn’t feel like he even started learning Jiu Jitsu until he got his black belt – it feels like I’m a white belt all over again. I’m working hard to keep myself in a teachable headspace and open to learning new things – at the same time I’m trying to be the best example I can be to our new students.

I will be competing again this next weekend in Memphis – because the only way I can get over fear is to just push through it and not let it win. Right now I’m trying to get my competition mindset aligned, at the same time as trying to convince my body that it can do movements that I have been guarding against for the past two years.

Synopsis: I’m super thankful to be getting back out on the mats again. It’s a process that I am trying to enjoy because I know that while it sucks, I’m moving in the direction I want to be going and am surrounded by people who care about me as a person.

Goals Achieved!

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I’ve never been one who sets New Year resolutions. I don’t like the idea that some random start time for the year is what you wait for to make a change in your life. I tend to choose personal life events as benchmarks for progress goals – and it works for me that way. This year my life events have synched up pretty well with New Years so I figure I may as well get on the bandwagon for a change!

At the end of 2021 I was scheduled for knee reconstruction surgery (my fibula was basically torn off from all upper attachments and PCL was shot) and I decided that since I would be down and out for a significant amount of time, I would make the most of it. I did not like where I was stuck in life and had been unhappy for quite a few years, so the forced “stop” of everything seemed like my cue to shake things up and rebuild.

First step: I got myself into regular therapy in the fall of 2021 (a few months before surgery). I wanted to try to sort out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just accept things as they are and be happy. I highly recommend anyone who feels stuck or at a transition point in their lives get a good therapist who is trained to help with the process!

I had been in a financial hole for a long time. Chronically underemployed my entire life (as is the tale for many other autistic adults), I’ve learned to live on very little and just try to keep a positive “make the most of it” outlook. Around the time of my surgery, I received a job offer from one of my team mates to work as a project manager for his company. This would be something completely new and different from how I have lived my life previously which is a terrifying prospect. However, what I had been doing wasn’t working for me anymore, so I decided to go for it. What I found was a perfect fit for me, with great coworkers and a supportive work environment.

I also decided that a total break from my old training academy was needed. This was super hard to do as I had invested over a decade of my life into that place, but as time went on things changed and it was no longer a system in alignment with my or my coaches’ ideals. Coming to that realization meant I had to give up on it and admit that I had failed in my goals to be that person who could help keep things together. Continuing to struggle against a system not aligned with what I want out of my jiu jitsu journey would just lead to more stress and tension for all parties.

I left with no idea where I would be training once I returned after surgery, but I had reached a point where I could even see myself not going back to bjj at all. Shortly after I left, things happened resulting in my coach dropping them from the team and immediately starting the planning process of opening a new academy. It was a slower process than anyone wanted, but now we have a gorgeous new facility with coach teaching the majority of the classes and pretty much everyone in class is someone who I have enjoyed training with for years.

These three changes: Therapy, new job, and leaving the old academy have brought about so much positive change! When visiting with people I had not seen in a few years they commented unprompted that I had my sparkle back.

I now have excellent health insurance through my new job. I have been without insurance for over a decade and went in with quite a list to dump on my new PCP. So far, I have been officially diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome which explains a lot of my chronic pain and injury history, as well as a few other ongoing issues (the echocardiogram for that was fun!). I see a dermatologist in the spring and the geneticist is offering to do a DNA screening for autism markers that any inquiring family members could check for.

My insurance also (amazingly) covers my official neuropsychological screening that I completed last week. I will see the doctor in a few weeks to go over the results of that. At my intake session for that in October she said she could confidently diagnose me as autistic without testing, but since insurance covers it she ordered it for more insights.

Having an official autism diagnosis has done wonders for my mental health as well. I’ve “known” for a long time, but to have the professional assessor agree with me really validates everything. I’m feeling more free to be myself on a daily basis and am learning how to take better care of and be kinder to myself.

Stepping Forward

So now I’ve got a solid foundation to work with again! I have a good job that pays well and is fairly flexible for training and competing, training bjj directly with my coach once again and getting reconnected with the vibe that got me hooked so many years ago, ongoing therapy and official diagnosis for how my brain works to help guide me going forward, and I was able to move into my own apartment and be able to build a homey retreat for recovery.

I signed up to compete at the European championship tournament next month. I’m still trying to drop the surgery weight so I’m competing in the medium-heavy division. Coach said I’m strong enough to do heavy weight if I wanted to (thank you year and a half of physical therapy), but I’d rather work my way back down to middle or light weight since I move better in those divisions. Who knows? Maybe I’ll move up permanently – I’m just happy to be getting back out there! I want to see what my baseline is, so what better way than to just dive into a huge tournament? My surgeon said it would be another 6-8 months until I get back full functionality in my knee, but that it is safe to do full impact now and would heal more quickly and completely with more usage.

I get several weeks of PTO per year but I am trying to save that up for trips to Brazil and Japan, so I’m attempting to do Europeans as a “work from home” option and bring my work computer with me. If it works out well, I may be able to do that for other events. I am also signed up for the Atlanta Open and Pans already. I plan to hit the Abu Dhabi pro circuit once I have found my stride a bit more.

It is going to be a fun process moving forward in life with official diagnosis for my physical issues as well as my autism. Knowing where I have deficiencies, I will be able to work and strengthen around them easier instead of just guessing. It also gives me slightly more confidence to advocate for myself when needed. Just because I CAN push through doesn’t mean I have to, especially when the recovery period for my “push through” is so much longer than it is for others and affects more than just that moment. Affording myself that grace to recover properly as well makes my “on” moments much higher in quality as well!

In a nutshell: 2022 was all about tearing down and rebuilding my foundations. 2023 and on is going to be about building a structure on that new solid foundation. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially I am in probably the best balance of my life and I am excited to see what I can do!

Recovery Process

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I am currently a year and 8 months out from a major injury that has put me off the mats and out of training for the majority of that time. Each phase has been difficult for different reasons and I have gone through all stages of grief multiple times!

Immediate Aftermath:

Lots of denial here. I at first just tried to shake it off and was going to ride my bicycle home and “rub some dirt in it”. I am used to getting banged up after 10 years of training. I have dealt with chronic pain my entire life and honestly the pain from the injury was less than what I’m used to feeling on a daily basis of just existing. What was different this time was the joint instability.

Admitting I needed outside help was a big step for me. With no health insurance I had always just played the “let’s give it some time to see how it does” approach and was lucky up until this point. Even at the doctor’s office I was talking myself down, telling myself I was overreacting and would regret the money I was wasting on the visit.

After the MRI, I went back to see the doctor and he said he needed to put me in a brace and re-evaluate in a few weeks. I’ve worn knee braces before so I figured it would be no big deal – next thing I know I have two nurses strapping me into a full length leg splint that I was to wear at all times to keep me from bending my knee… It started to feel a little serious at that point.

I was still able to hobble around with a cane, and made it a point to put a positive face forward for the students. I kept telling myself: “I heal fast, this is probably overkill but it’ll be fine.”

The Wind Down:

So began my cycle of physical therapy twice a week with a dr check in every 4-6 weeks. I had no concrete recovery timetable because my pre-existing hypermobility condition made it difficult to determine how much of the joint instability was from the injury and how much of it was my functional instability. I continued improving each week with physical therapy and doctor check ins. He said my recovery would plateau at a point and that is when we determine if I was functional enough to train again, or if surgery was needed to get me back on the mats.

This was the depressed/frustrated/angry zone. People would wish me “speedy recovery” and I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at the platitude. Being around Jiu Jitsu gave me no joy and in fact made it worse after months of just watching as everyone moved on and left me behind. There are blue/purple belts who have never known me at my peak potential, and that was frustrating since I don’t want to be an instructor who just yells from the sidelines. I want to lead by example and have not been capable of doing that for a long time. What kept me sane in this time was the students who gave me a reason to keep going when I didn’t even want to get out of bed.

The Light at the End:

After 8 months of being in “surgery or no surgery” limbo, the surgeon assessed that I had stopped improving significantly between checkups and would need to do the reconstruction. At that point I was unable to walk down stairs unassisted so it was still a significant impairment just for daily life. It was a relief honestly! I wasn’t nervous at the thought of my first (and hopefully only) surgical procedure. I knew I had done everything possible up until that point, and knew I had the best possible surgical team to put my knee back together again. Apparently once I was knocked out my knee was as stable as warm jello without my muscle tonicity to keep it in place.

Post-Op Struggle:

Post op has been a new challenge. It was such a massive reconstruction job that I had to learn how to walk all over again. I had so much nerve damage that I couldn’t feel my foot for weeks afterwards and whole muscle groups were unable to activate and even now almost a year later there are still patches of numbness that probably will not recover sensation. It was still easier than those 8 months pre-op because there was no more “surgery or no surgery” limbo, just a forward momentum of improvement.

Improvement with strength came fairly quickly: what was/is hardest for me is mobility. The surgeon knows what I do for training and told me specifically that he wants me to heal more on the stiff side with more scar tissue to help stabilize everything. We ticked that box and then some – for a while I was on the watchlist for a second procedure to remove some of the excess scar tissue. Every PT session I would cry and whimper while they tried to passively force flexion back into my joint. I had multiple injections of different things in attempt to reduce inflammation and pain.

This was another low point as I started to wonder “is this just gonna be my life now? Is this as good as it gets? Have I gone through all that and still find myself unable to train?”

Current Day:

I’ve been training in classes at my new academy (with my old coach) on a regular basis again and man it feels so good! I am of course everyone’s rest round, and there are a lot of movements that I have to re-learn how to do. The hard part right now is trusting that my knee is okay. The surgeon told me a couple of months ago that he is okay with me doing whatever I want for training, so long as I am careful with new movements. I see him next week for my final 1 year post op check up and release to compete again.

Learning to trust again is the struggle at the moment. I have been super conscious about my knee for close to 2 years now, so just letting go mentally is really difficult. I panic anytime my knee is compressed, whether it hurts or not, which then makes my training partner nervous and unwilling to put the pressure on me that I need in order to actually improve. It will take time, but I’m fast tracking myself by signing up to compete at the European Championship tournament at the end of January. Meaning I have about 8 weeks to push myself and I work best under that kind of pressure!

Building Good Training Vibes

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We are almost a month into our soft opening of the new Jiu Jitsu training academy here in Nashville, TN. We have already reached our first membership goals and are able to cover the basic expenses. Marketing and advertisement has so far just been word of mouth but every person who has come to visit has commented on the vibe of the new place and how it just draws you in. I figured now would be a good time to talk about how we go about achieving that good vibe feel amidst the sweat and hard work.

The ultimate authority in the academy is where the vibe starts, and it is not always the most obvious person. It could be an instructor, manager, owner, or even some mentor who influences others from a distance. If the base authority is healthy, the gym is healthy. In the case of my academy, it is my head professor who is the academy owner and authority figure.

So, what does healthy leadership look like? It varies stylistically from individual to individual, but the results will yield committed instructors, enthusiastic students, and a low turnover rate for staffing. I’ll just use our leadership as an example and expound on a few fictional contrasts.

Cares About Students

First and foremost, if the leadership does not care about their students – you might as well write them off right out of the gate. My professor has been accused of caring too much, to the point where his other black belt students have to pull him away from trying to coach someone at a tournament who was actively trying to undermine his business. Each student is important, as are their goals. I find it rare to meet individuals who genuinely care, and I’m thankful that my professor is one of them.

Most people go into teaching Jiu Jitsu because they love the art and passing it on – there are very few people who are able to get rich teaching BJJ or running an academy. If leadership is focused all on the numbers, the students will suffer as they become just part of an assembly line.

Of course, that is not to say you can’t be an amazing leader who cares about students AND makes money, what I’m talking about is balance. When you’re dealing with people’s health and safety, you can’t be a cold machine focused on churning out numbers. Jiu Jitsu is a very personal activity, and that warmth is needed in order to keep people invested for the long term.

Goal Focused

Everyone comes to their first Jiu Jitsu class with a goal. I myself got into training because I wanted a hard physical challenge to help me get into shape. Other common goals are

  • Self-Defense (as a result of a traumatic event, or in anticipation of one)
  • Competition
  • Confidence Building
  • Trying the Unknown

There are as many goals as there are people who walk in the door. If my professor knows someone has a goal to learn self-defense because they work at a high-risk LEO job, he will give them a different perspective than someone who is into it as a sport. For example: if you’re a purple belt with the desire to compete, he will work with you until you develop the confidence to represent your belt level at the tournament you want to enter. He wouldn’t promote you before you could develop that confidence – because he would take the time to understand your individual goals. Having more high ranked students in the academy would, at a glance, look better for him as a professor but promoting students earlier than their personal goals dictate is selfish.

Willing to Have the Hard Conversations

Strong leadership is not afraid to talk openly about an issue and then take action if needed. For example: if a male black belt has a habit of sexually harassing female students, it is oftentimes brushed under the rug with the ladies made to feel they need to either suck it up or leave and never get a chance to really feel like a real part of the community. My professor had a case like this, and he took the time to gather information, various testimonies, and gave due process… and EVERYBODY deserves due process. The women should feel free to train and know they will be safe, and the men should also feel free to train and not worry that a misspoken word might get them in the hot seat.

Jiu Jitsu brings a lot of different people together under one roof. Leadership needs to be prepared for this and ready to step in when (not if) issues of harassment, discrimination, and racism pop up. Jiu Jitsu puts you in a lot of vulnerable positions as it is, so we don’t want to be worrying about these sorts of things while we are trying to focus on learning.

Takes Care of Those Invested

We love seeing new white belts come into the gym! They are our legacy and the continuation of our Jiu Jitsu heritage – but taking care of the students who are invested for the long term is key! If the focus becomes just on getting new numbers through the door without any appreciation or care for those already present, it will lead to students feeling unappreciated. I have seen so many cases of long-term loyalty being taken for granted, and that loyalty can only be pushed so far before it finally breaks.

The invested upper rank students are necessary to help keep the quality of the room high, as well as to be good examples to the new white belts when they come in for training. In a full class the instructor can’t see all of the students at once, so the upper level belts step in to help while the professor is answering questions on the other side of the mat. They also teach by example how to treat your training partners and safely execute techniques during live sparring.

Summary:

I could continue on as this is a topic of particular personal interest to me. Over the past decade plus of training I have personally seen a lot of shitty situations. Harassment of minorities, sexual coercion, abuse of power, racism, disrespect, embezzlement, and some 9th circle of hell level betrayals. However, through all of this the BJJ community always impresses me with how it keeps shining through and working to be better. It feels so good to have a place to train where it feels like family again. My personal goal is to make the path a bit less rough for those who follow after me, that’s a big part of why I write things like this (when really I prefer all sunshine and rainbows). Talking about things is the first step to making things better – if it stays in the dark, it will continue growing unchecked until the day it destroys us all.

Next Chapter: New Jiu Jitsu Academy

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It has been a turbulent past few years. At the end of 2021 I had a major knee reconstruction surgery and decided that in my down time I would take charge of things and set the foundation for my comeback. After spending so long running myself into the ground physically, financially, mentally, etc. I declared 2022 to be the rebuilding year – so I would be going into 2023 in an overall healthier state.

New Academy:

I started with breaking from my old training academy, staying with my original coach of course. That’s a long story I won’t get into since I wrote about it already (Click Here for that post). It sucked so badly because I knew that change would affect more than just myself and would leave my students confused and feeling abandoned. However, I realized that whether I acted or not others were already being affected/hurt – so I may as well be an active participant instead of a powerless observer.

Since then, my coach dropped my old academy from the team affiliation and has opened up a new academy. Now those of us who prefer his teaching and training methodology can have a place to call home once again. I do feel guilt about the people I left behind who I care about, but also have to remind myself that they are (mostly all) adults capable of making their own decisions for themselves. Some of them will come to the new academy, some will stay where they are – either option is completely valid! I don’t care where people choose to train, if they are cool with me I’m cool with them.

The team has already added several new affiliate academies to our ranks in the past few months as well! I’m excited for the future of our team, and most of all getting to train again the way that I used to under my coach once more. That’s what got me from day 1 to top ranked at each belt level up through purple. I fell off on the rankings toward the end of purple belt since I wasn’t able to train full time with my coach anymore, and so many other things were changing around that time that I was clicked into survival mode long term.

There has been enough negativity over the past several years and I am just moving on and refusing to marinate in it now that I have other options. It has taken and will continue to take a lot of therapy to reach this point – but things are good now, and I don’t want to let the past overshadow the future.

I am looking forward to starting up a new Ladies BJJ program. Previously I grew one from the ground up using leftover time slots and no real support or backing. I did the marketing, lesson planning, networking, and follow ups myself. Now not only do I have enthusiastic support from my coach and his wife who own the new academy, I also have a team of experienced ladies on board to help me, and prime time training slots. No longer the afterthought!

Training:

I am finally able to train consistently again – and it feels amazing! It has been about a year and 10 months since my knee injury and I had started wondering if I was ever going to be back again. Being sidelined for so long is a major issue since Jiu Jitsu is my autism special interest – I can’t just pick something else to fill that space while I wait for the green light once again. I watched myself being migrated to the outside of the circle once again, where I spent my entire life up until I found Jiu Jitsu – and it brought back a lot of unpleasant memories/feelings.

So far I am just a little over two weeks into regular consistent training and I can already feel myself regulating and relaxing once again. I do still have to be cautious of my reconstructed knee, but I see my surgeon again on Dec 7 – that will be a year post-op and he promised to give me a final clear to compete again. So I signed up for the European Championships at the end of January. I won’t be in shape or in my regular weight class for it, but just getting on those mats again will feel so good!

Training in the new academy with all the old familiar faces just feels like a breath of fresh air – the world is as it should be again with coach and his wife as the co-owners. It is just amazing!

Autism Stuff:

About 3 weeks ago I went in to get started with my Autism assessment. Previously (10+ years ago) a diagnosis was suggested by a therapist but the process for official testing and diagnosis is very drawn out, and prohibitively expensive (several months’ worth of my then income). Drs who are able to do the official evaluation generally have long waiting lists and insurance does not usually cover the testing process.

My new job (as of the beginning of the year) offers excellent insurance that actually covers mental health testing with just a small copay. So I decided to take advantage of this and get the official testing done.

My usual preparation method for any new experience is that I will mentally rehearse every possible interaction and outcome so that I can know going into it what to do. Incidentally, this is why I don’t usually do last minute outings – since I haven’t been able to mentally prepare for all outcomes. I am not able to react appropriately on the spot, so I have learned over the years that I must spend the energy beforehand preparing all possible interactions in order to be able to connect with people in a way that gives them a favorable impression of me.

I was told I should not do this for my intake session or testing – my therapist friends told me that unfortunately they don’t evaluate you on how well you can adapt around your deficiencies. So while I don’t want to “play it up”, I also don’t want to mask and pretend to be okay with everything. The thought of not allowing myself to prepare meant the doctor got to do an intake on me completely keyed up. At the close of the intake she said, “well I don’t have to send you in for testing in order to confidently diagnose you as autistic, but we can go ahead with the testing if it’s not cost prohibitive for you.” I want the extra insight so I’m opting to do the testing process – which is scheduled for Dec 21 with a meeting with the doctor on Jan 23 to go over results.

So up until now I have operated on the premise that I am autistic, but there was just enough doubt that I put a lot of things in a mental “maybe” box… Now those maybes need to be sorted through. Realizing that growing up it wasn’t that I was stupid, or not trying hard enough to get on and fit in – it’s legit that my brain works differently, and I am disabled in that regards. Can I function in life? Absolutely I can, but it takes so much extra effort and I just want that struggle to be validated for the sake of my own mental health.

In Conclusion

Things are good and moving in a positive direction. I personally have a lot of healing to do, as does my local team, but we are all on the correct path now though and the future is bright!