Tag: PCL Reconstruction

Back in the Groove

1 Comment

Man, it has been a crazy last few years.

There were quite a few long stretches of time where I basically quit mentally with my training and came within a hair of quitting physically as well. Between losing all my training partners due to academy drama, covid, and then my knee blowing out sideways – it was a lot.

Through it all, I gained an excessive amount of weight of course. I went from walking around comfortably around 140 lbs up to 192 lbs at my peak after surgery when I was immobilized for months. The extra weight puts pressure on my already wonky joints (I have hypermobile EDS), as well as caused an increase in overall inflammation/pain, shot up my cholesterol, and just made me feel like a washed up has-been. Having a significant amount of body dysmorphia and old history of an eating disorder did not help with that either.

March of last year is when I was able to start moving around a bit (3 months after surgery). I had a lot of limitations and twice weekly rehab since I was basically learning how to walk and use my leg all over again. There was a lot of nerve damage due to the extent of the damage to my knee and it was months before I could consciously flex my quadriceps muscle group. In summary:

2021: Awarded black belt in March, knee injury happened 3 weeks later in freak training accident. I knew it would put me down for a while but wasn’t sure how long – surgeon wanted to wait and see how much it could heal on its own before he did any surgery. It was frustrating going from 6 week appointment to 6 week appointment without a concrete recovery timetable answer – all while paying out of pocket for therapy twice a week (no insurance of course). In December the surgeon determined it had healed as much as it could on my own and did a 3 hour long reconstructive surgery.

2022: My sports orthopedic surgeon was happy with the outcome and promised me an eventual return to full usage. I’d never had a stiff joint in my life but he purposefully wanted it to heal stiff so it would be as strong as possible for all the impact I would put it though. This translated to many tears in PT when it came time to work on pushing the range of motion and I was on the watch list for a second procedure to clear out extra scar tissue. (Better that option than for it to heal too loose and have to get the whole procedure done over again.) March is when I hit that peak with my weight just as I was starting to be allowed more movement and could start working my way back down slowly. 6 months after surgery I was allowed to start moving around lightly on the mats with a special made sports impact brace to protect the healing ligament grafts. In December of 2022 I got the all clear to return to training without any restrictions – he said it would take another 6-8 months for me to feel fully recovered but I wasn’t in danger of damaging the reconstruction work he did. So I signed up to compete in January at the Europeans.

2023: So far I’ve competed at an event almost every month. It was a fight to get my weight down to make medium heavyweight (163.6 lbs) for Europeans, but it felt like a huge accomplishment to have a chance to be back on the mats and I was just tearing up in the bullpen as well as before/after all my matches. Honestly I feel pretty emotional and grateful at each event I’ve been to so far. I know I haven’t been training at my optimum in order to expect to win events, but the only way I will recover my movement and proper mindset is to just keep pushing myself and embracing the suck.

Currently:

I finally reached a place where I feel confident using my surgical leg without being on guard at all times – so that means I’m ready to get serious with my training again. I have most of my training partners back thanks to my coach opening a new academy where we can feel welcomed again, plus I’m now working a job that is a supportive environment for both jiu jitsu training/competing and my autism quirks.

I decided it was time to make the push to get back to my light weight division (141.6 lb) for the Master Worlds tournament next month. It’s a lot of hard work, but with support from my team mates I am able to keep my focus and am reaching or exceeding my weight goals each week. Self-motivation is a thing, but knowing my team and coaches have my back gives that motivation a solid foundation. Working from that foundation I feel my confidence and drive returning again, like I haven’t felt since my mid/upper purple belt days!

With a little extra push I’ll be able to make the goal of light weight early in time to compete in another event a few weeks before master worlds – then I can coast and let my system stabilize before the big event. I would just prefer to not have the first time I manage to make weight be at one of the biggest tournaments of the year.

I love seeing the camaraderie of our academy and all the new people coming in almost every day. After some dark times, the new chapters going forward are looking bright!

Recovery Process

Leave a comment

I am currently a year and 8 months out from a major injury that has put me off the mats and out of training for the majority of that time. Each phase has been difficult for different reasons and I have gone through all stages of grief multiple times!

Immediate Aftermath:

Lots of denial here. I at first just tried to shake it off and was going to ride my bicycle home and “rub some dirt in it”. I am used to getting banged up after 10 years of training. I have dealt with chronic pain my entire life and honestly the pain from the injury was less than what I’m used to feeling on a daily basis of just existing. What was different this time was the joint instability.

Admitting I needed outside help was a big step for me. With no health insurance I had always just played the “let’s give it some time to see how it does” approach and was lucky up until this point. Even at the doctor’s office I was talking myself down, telling myself I was overreacting and would regret the money I was wasting on the visit.

After the MRI, I went back to see the doctor and he said he needed to put me in a brace and re-evaluate in a few weeks. I’ve worn knee braces before so I figured it would be no big deal – next thing I know I have two nurses strapping me into a full length leg splint that I was to wear at all times to keep me from bending my knee… It started to feel a little serious at that point.

I was still able to hobble around with a cane, and made it a point to put a positive face forward for the students. I kept telling myself: “I heal fast, this is probably overkill but it’ll be fine.”

The Wind Down:

So began my cycle of physical therapy twice a week with a dr check in every 4-6 weeks. I had no concrete recovery timetable because my pre-existing hypermobility condition made it difficult to determine how much of the joint instability was from the injury and how much of it was my functional instability. I continued improving each week with physical therapy and doctor check ins. He said my recovery would plateau at a point and that is when we determine if I was functional enough to train again, or if surgery was needed to get me back on the mats.

This was the depressed/frustrated/angry zone. People would wish me “speedy recovery” and I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at the platitude. Being around Jiu Jitsu gave me no joy and in fact made it worse after months of just watching as everyone moved on and left me behind. There are blue/purple belts who have never known me at my peak potential, and that was frustrating since I don’t want to be an instructor who just yells from the sidelines. I want to lead by example and have not been capable of doing that for a long time. What kept me sane in this time was the students who gave me a reason to keep going when I didn’t even want to get out of bed.

The Light at the End:

After 8 months of being in “surgery or no surgery” limbo, the surgeon assessed that I had stopped improving significantly between checkups and would need to do the reconstruction. At that point I was unable to walk down stairs unassisted so it was still a significant impairment just for daily life. It was a relief honestly! I wasn’t nervous at the thought of my first (and hopefully only) surgical procedure. I knew I had done everything possible up until that point, and knew I had the best possible surgical team to put my knee back together again. Apparently once I was knocked out my knee was as stable as warm jello without my muscle tonicity to keep it in place.

Post-Op Struggle:

Post op has been a new challenge. It was such a massive reconstruction job that I had to learn how to walk all over again. I had so much nerve damage that I couldn’t feel my foot for weeks afterwards and whole muscle groups were unable to activate and even now almost a year later there are still patches of numbness that probably will not recover sensation. It was still easier than those 8 months pre-op because there was no more “surgery or no surgery” limbo, just a forward momentum of improvement.

Improvement with strength came fairly quickly: what was/is hardest for me is mobility. The surgeon knows what I do for training and told me specifically that he wants me to heal more on the stiff side with more scar tissue to help stabilize everything. We ticked that box and then some – for a while I was on the watchlist for a second procedure to remove some of the excess scar tissue. Every PT session I would cry and whimper while they tried to passively force flexion back into my joint. I had multiple injections of different things in attempt to reduce inflammation and pain.

This was another low point as I started to wonder “is this just gonna be my life now? Is this as good as it gets? Have I gone through all that and still find myself unable to train?”

Current Day:

I’ve been training in classes at my new academy (with my old coach) on a regular basis again and man it feels so good! I am of course everyone’s rest round, and there are a lot of movements that I have to re-learn how to do. The hard part right now is trusting that my knee is okay. The surgeon told me a couple of months ago that he is okay with me doing whatever I want for training, so long as I am careful with new movements. I see him next week for my final 1 year post op check up and release to compete again.

Learning to trust again is the struggle at the moment. I have been super conscious about my knee for close to 2 years now, so just letting go mentally is really difficult. I panic anytime my knee is compressed, whether it hurts or not, which then makes my training partner nervous and unwilling to put the pressure on me that I need in order to actually improve. It will take time, but I’m fast tracking myself by signing up to compete at the European Championship tournament at the end of January. Meaning I have about 8 weeks to push myself and I work best under that kind of pressure!