Tag: knee reconstruction

Goals Achieved!

Leave a comment

I’ve never been one who sets New Year resolutions. I don’t like the idea that some random start time for the year is what you wait for to make a change in your life. I tend to choose personal life events as benchmarks for progress goals – and it works for me that way. This year my life events have synched up pretty well with New Years so I figure I may as well get on the bandwagon for a change!

At the end of 2021 I was scheduled for knee reconstruction surgery (my fibula was basically torn off from all upper attachments and PCL was shot) and I decided that since I would be down and out for a significant amount of time, I would make the most of it. I did not like where I was stuck in life and had been unhappy for quite a few years, so the forced “stop” of everything seemed like my cue to shake things up and rebuild.

First step: I got myself into regular therapy in the fall of 2021 (a few months before surgery). I wanted to try to sort out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just accept things as they are and be happy. I highly recommend anyone who feels stuck or at a transition point in their lives get a good therapist who is trained to help with the process!

I had been in a financial hole for a long time. Chronically underemployed my entire life (as is the tale for many other autistic adults), I’ve learned to live on very little and just try to keep a positive “make the most of it” outlook. Around the time of my surgery, I received a job offer from one of my team mates to work as a project manager for his company. This would be something completely new and different from how I have lived my life previously which is a terrifying prospect. However, what I had been doing wasn’t working for me anymore, so I decided to go for it. What I found was a perfect fit for me, with great coworkers and a supportive work environment.

I also decided that a total break from my old training academy was needed. This was super hard to do as I had invested over a decade of my life into that place, but as time went on things changed and it was no longer a system in alignment with my or my coaches’ ideals. Coming to that realization meant I had to give up on it and admit that I had failed in my goals to be that person who could help keep things together. Continuing to struggle against a system not aligned with what I want out of my jiu jitsu journey would just lead to more stress and tension for all parties.

I left with no idea where I would be training once I returned after surgery, but I had reached a point where I could even see myself not going back to bjj at all. Shortly after I left, things happened resulting in my coach dropping them from the team and immediately starting the planning process of opening a new academy. It was a slower process than anyone wanted, but now we have a gorgeous new facility with coach teaching the majority of the classes and pretty much everyone in class is someone who I have enjoyed training with for years.

These three changes: Therapy, new job, and leaving the old academy have brought about so much positive change! When visiting with people I had not seen in a few years they commented unprompted that I had my sparkle back.

I now have excellent health insurance through my new job. I have been without insurance for over a decade and went in with quite a list to dump on my new PCP. So far, I have been officially diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome which explains a lot of my chronic pain and injury history, as well as a few other ongoing issues (the echocardiogram for that was fun!). I see a dermatologist in the spring and the geneticist is offering to do a DNA screening for autism markers that any inquiring family members could check for.

My insurance also (amazingly) covers my official neuropsychological screening that I completed last week. I will see the doctor in a few weeks to go over the results of that. At my intake session for that in October she said she could confidently diagnose me as autistic without testing, but since insurance covers it she ordered it for more insights.

Having an official autism diagnosis has done wonders for my mental health as well. I’ve “known” for a long time, but to have the professional assessor agree with me really validates everything. I’m feeling more free to be myself on a daily basis and am learning how to take better care of and be kinder to myself.

Stepping Forward

So now I’ve got a solid foundation to work with again! I have a good job that pays well and is fairly flexible for training and competing, training bjj directly with my coach once again and getting reconnected with the vibe that got me hooked so many years ago, ongoing therapy and official diagnosis for how my brain works to help guide me going forward, and I was able to move into my own apartment and be able to build a homey retreat for recovery.

I signed up to compete at the European championship tournament next month. I’m still trying to drop the surgery weight so I’m competing in the medium-heavy division. Coach said I’m strong enough to do heavy weight if I wanted to (thank you year and a half of physical therapy), but I’d rather work my way back down to middle or light weight since I move better in those divisions. Who knows? Maybe I’ll move up permanently – I’m just happy to be getting back out there! I want to see what my baseline is, so what better way than to just dive into a huge tournament? My surgeon said it would be another 6-8 months until I get back full functionality in my knee, but that it is safe to do full impact now and would heal more quickly and completely with more usage.

I get several weeks of PTO per year but I am trying to save that up for trips to Brazil and Japan, so I’m attempting to do Europeans as a “work from home” option and bring my work computer with me. If it works out well, I may be able to do that for other events. I am also signed up for the Atlanta Open and Pans already. I plan to hit the Abu Dhabi pro circuit once I have found my stride a bit more.

It is going to be a fun process moving forward in life with official diagnosis for my physical issues as well as my autism. Knowing where I have deficiencies, I will be able to work and strengthen around them easier instead of just guessing. It also gives me slightly more confidence to advocate for myself when needed. Just because I CAN push through doesn’t mean I have to, especially when the recovery period for my “push through” is so much longer than it is for others and affects more than just that moment. Affording myself that grace to recover properly as well makes my “on” moments much higher in quality as well!

In a nutshell: 2022 was all about tearing down and rebuilding my foundations. 2023 and on is going to be about building a structure on that new solid foundation. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially I am in probably the best balance of my life and I am excited to see what I can do!

Recovery Process

Leave a comment

I am currently a year and 8 months out from a major injury that has put me off the mats and out of training for the majority of that time. Each phase has been difficult for different reasons and I have gone through all stages of grief multiple times!

Immediate Aftermath:

Lots of denial here. I at first just tried to shake it off and was going to ride my bicycle home and “rub some dirt in it”. I am used to getting banged up after 10 years of training. I have dealt with chronic pain my entire life and honestly the pain from the injury was less than what I’m used to feeling on a daily basis of just existing. What was different this time was the joint instability.

Admitting I needed outside help was a big step for me. With no health insurance I had always just played the “let’s give it some time to see how it does” approach and was lucky up until this point. Even at the doctor’s office I was talking myself down, telling myself I was overreacting and would regret the money I was wasting on the visit.

After the MRI, I went back to see the doctor and he said he needed to put me in a brace and re-evaluate in a few weeks. I’ve worn knee braces before so I figured it would be no big deal – next thing I know I have two nurses strapping me into a full length leg splint that I was to wear at all times to keep me from bending my knee… It started to feel a little serious at that point.

I was still able to hobble around with a cane, and made it a point to put a positive face forward for the students. I kept telling myself: “I heal fast, this is probably overkill but it’ll be fine.”

The Wind Down:

So began my cycle of physical therapy twice a week with a dr check in every 4-6 weeks. I had no concrete recovery timetable because my pre-existing hypermobility condition made it difficult to determine how much of the joint instability was from the injury and how much of it was my functional instability. I continued improving each week with physical therapy and doctor check ins. He said my recovery would plateau at a point and that is when we determine if I was functional enough to train again, or if surgery was needed to get me back on the mats.

This was the depressed/frustrated/angry zone. People would wish me “speedy recovery” and I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping at the platitude. Being around Jiu Jitsu gave me no joy and in fact made it worse after months of just watching as everyone moved on and left me behind. There are blue/purple belts who have never known me at my peak potential, and that was frustrating since I don’t want to be an instructor who just yells from the sidelines. I want to lead by example and have not been capable of doing that for a long time. What kept me sane in this time was the students who gave me a reason to keep going when I didn’t even want to get out of bed.

The Light at the End:

After 8 months of being in “surgery or no surgery” limbo, the surgeon assessed that I had stopped improving significantly between checkups and would need to do the reconstruction. At that point I was unable to walk down stairs unassisted so it was still a significant impairment just for daily life. It was a relief honestly! I wasn’t nervous at the thought of my first (and hopefully only) surgical procedure. I knew I had done everything possible up until that point, and knew I had the best possible surgical team to put my knee back together again. Apparently once I was knocked out my knee was as stable as warm jello without my muscle tonicity to keep it in place.

Post-Op Struggle:

Post op has been a new challenge. It was such a massive reconstruction job that I had to learn how to walk all over again. I had so much nerve damage that I couldn’t feel my foot for weeks afterwards and whole muscle groups were unable to activate and even now almost a year later there are still patches of numbness that probably will not recover sensation. It was still easier than those 8 months pre-op because there was no more “surgery or no surgery” limbo, just a forward momentum of improvement.

Improvement with strength came fairly quickly: what was/is hardest for me is mobility. The surgeon knows what I do for training and told me specifically that he wants me to heal more on the stiff side with more scar tissue to help stabilize everything. We ticked that box and then some – for a while I was on the watchlist for a second procedure to remove some of the excess scar tissue. Every PT session I would cry and whimper while they tried to passively force flexion back into my joint. I had multiple injections of different things in attempt to reduce inflammation and pain.

This was another low point as I started to wonder “is this just gonna be my life now? Is this as good as it gets? Have I gone through all that and still find myself unable to train?”

Current Day:

I’ve been training in classes at my new academy (with my old coach) on a regular basis again and man it feels so good! I am of course everyone’s rest round, and there are a lot of movements that I have to re-learn how to do. The hard part right now is trusting that my knee is okay. The surgeon told me a couple of months ago that he is okay with me doing whatever I want for training, so long as I am careful with new movements. I see him next week for my final 1 year post op check up and release to compete again.

Learning to trust again is the struggle at the moment. I have been super conscious about my knee for close to 2 years now, so just letting go mentally is really difficult. I panic anytime my knee is compressed, whether it hurts or not, which then makes my training partner nervous and unwilling to put the pressure on me that I need in order to actually improve. It will take time, but I’m fast tracking myself by signing up to compete at the European Championship tournament at the end of January. Meaning I have about 8 weeks to push myself and I work best under that kind of pressure!

Still Kinda Broken – 5 Months Post-Op

Leave a comment

Technically I am no longer broken, but it still feels like it at this stage.

I had my 5 month check up with my Doctor’s PA this past week. I expressed to him my frustrations at my rate of healing. I was hoping that I would be able to train lightly at this point, but I’m still rebuilding muscle tissue that hasn’t worked since my nerves were cut during surgery, and also range of motion has been extremely slow to improve. In fact I have not had much R.O.M. improvement over the past several weeks – hovering around 116 and 118 as my maximum flexion when pushed by my PT. It makes me feel like a failure, that I must be missing something, and wondering if this is just going to be as good as it gets.

He assured me that I am still on track for a complete recovery and return to the mats with zero restrictions. It’s just gonna be a slow process because of how much damage was done to my knee, the amount of extensive surgical repair it took, and the 6 weeks splinted to let it get really stiff. He said my bones are sitting in perfect alignment now within the joint and they are feeling super stable.

What is holding me back most right now is my range of motion. It was very intentional that we let it get stiff post-op because he knows the type of activity I do on a daily basis (he’s worked on a lot of bjj athletes as well as pro football athletes). We are riding the fine line of getting as much stability as possible in the repair before we loosen it up. It’s easier to loosen it up afterwards, whereas if it heals too loose, we would have to re-do the original surgery. We want my knee to last the next 60+ years and handle all the impact I plan to put it through.

I see the surgeon again in 6 weeks. At that point I will be in that 6-7 month post-op window when the new ligament grafts will be sufficiently healed and we can turn our attention more to the mobility issues. If I’m still not making much progress at that point (mobility wise), we will likely do another procedure in the surgical center to break up the scar tissue. It sounds scary but they assured me it’s nothing like the massive 3 hour long surgery I had in December – I’d be able to walk and bend my knee immediately after waking up. What’s nice is that I’ll have insurance coverage this time around – that first procedure was a little yikes!

So I’m hoping that towards the end of the year I’ll be freed to train again. Right now I am not even allowed to swing a kettlebell – although I was recently cleared to ride my bicycle again and am increasing load bearing exercises in twice weekly physical therapy. Comeback is coming – and I’ll know I earned it!